CRY

Bill was recently operated for bladder cancer. His bladder was removed, and he carried a plastic bag to drain his urine. Unfortunately his cancer started to spread in his bone structure, particularly in his right leg.

Bill was in jail for murder. This happened when he was in the company of a call girl in a bar and the girl’s boyfriend or pimp showed up and started to pick a fight with Bill. The man ended up being killed. Bill was a Vietnam veteran. This was an unfortunate decision for someone to pick a fight with Bill who had Vietnam combat experience. Bill lived in a prosperous area in the Detroit suburbs. He had an ex-wife and three beautiful teenaged daughters. They all, including the ex-wife, visited him regularly.

“How are you coping, Bill?” “Oh, I am taking it one day at a time. I would not have minded carrying this bag all my life except that now my cancer has spread to my right leg. Before this, the doctors told me I could live a long life. My wife and three children again visited me. I’m always glad to see them.” At this time Bill proceeded to talk about his children, the two older ones now studying at a university in lower Michigan. And that he was a tool maker before going to prison. “I see in your chart that your religion is Protestant. Do you wish to see a Minister?” “No, I do not need a visit from a Minister, although I pray all the time.” “What do you do when you are in pain?”,I asked. “Cry!”, he replied. And with this response Bill gives me a faint smile. “I would cry too”, I responded.

At this time the nurse came in the room and announced Bill had visitors coming to see him. I told Bill I would see him next week and then left his room. No sooner when I left while in the hallway, the same nurse saw me again and told me Bill’s visitors would not be here until an hour later. And that Bill wanted me to come back to his room. And so this I did.

Next week when I saw Bill I asked, “How did your visit go?” “My wife came to visit me the same day after you left.” At this time Bill showed me cards written with affection from both his ex-wife and his 80 year old father who came to visit him before. Despite serious heart problems his father came all the way from Pennsylvania to visit Bill. “I am OK except for my right leg which sometimes gives me extreme pain. And then I start to cry like a baby.” I replied, “The next time this happens try not to think that you are only your body. If you think you are just your body, this pain will magnify.” “I understand what you are telling me that I am also part spirit. When this happens I pray, My Jesus please help me.” “You are doing as well as can be expected. Using the words you said to me last week, one day at a time.”

The next week I visited Bill, he was having more aggravating medical problems. His chemo treatment was giving him diarrhea; his urine was not collecting properly in his bag, etc. He looked weaker than two weeks ago.

“How is it going, Bill?” “I know I am going to die.” “Are you depressed about it?” “No, I am not. That is the least of my problems. What is it like after dying?” “I don’t know myself. Although I believe you are not going to continue being sick like this. How can you. You will not have a body anymore. Be confident in your faith. Think positive thoughts. You have a family who cares. Even your father who has heart problems visited you.” “Yea! I had visitors who drove all the way from Pennsylvania. But I am worried how my three daughters will do. Right now they are doing well.” “Do you have pictures of them? Why don’t you place them on your table here to remind you of your family.” “I do have pictures of them, but they were left in my cell block. Prison rule is that you cannot bring anything here in the hospital.” (Unless items are approved by prison officials, prisoners cannot have their personal belongings transferred to their hospital rooms.) “Let me check with the Medical Social Worker in the department if there is something we can do about this.” Bill then asked, “Where were you last week? I missed your coming here.” I answered, “There was a prison mobilization (emergency) drill. Unfortunately, all non-employees have to leave the building.”

The next week Bill seemed to have turned for the worse. He was getting weaker, in bed most of the time, and going in and out of hallucinations. He told me of his “vomiting all over” yesterday.

“How are you feeling, Bill?” “Not too good”, and proceeded to describe his pains. At this time Bill gets out of his bed, scrambles to his dresser in pain, and hands me a recent three page letter written by his 15 year old daughter. As I read the three page letter, the daughter wrote full of affection for her father and naturally worried about his sickness. It was a very touching letter. “You look like you need some rest.” It was a strain for Bill to keep a conversation. “I will say a prayer for you and will see you next week.” In parting he used both hands to hold mine and thank me for coming.

The next week Bill was obviously losing his battle against cancer. He was receiving massive doses of chemo resulting in much hair loss. I was informed that among his three daughters and ex-wife, there was always someone visiting him almost daily.

“Bill, this is Tony here.” “Who? Oh yes, yes. Tony it’s good to see you.” Again he greeted me with both hands. “Bill keep up your spirits. I will say a prayer for you.” At this time the MSW came in the room and said to Bill, “Tony cannot stay long. There is a mobilization drill (another one) and he has to leave the building.” The alarm system was still going on in the hallways. “Tony, I will see you next week OK?”, said Bill. “Yes, I intend to visit you.”

The following week, Bill looked like he was in the beginning stages of dying. Bill looked very frail, losing most of his hair, and his memory was starting to fail him. He kept asking me on dates, illness status, and could not even remember my visit last week. “Did you visit me last week? Am I at Foote hospital (city hospital)? I get extreme pains whenever I move around. Do you have any change? I would like a can of soda.” The head nurse informed me she suspects cancer has spread through Bill’s brain.

The last week, I was in Bill’s ward and asked at the Nursing Station how Bill was. The nurse replied, “He died just a few minutes ago. His family is still in the room. They are waiting for the doctor to come and certify his death.” We passed his room but obviously did not want to intrude with the family still there. Finally another nurse who was in the room while Bill was in agony told me, “Bill had a very painful death. Bill was screaming and not conscious of people around him. The wife fainted? And a daughter had to leave the room due to the stress. However, the youngest daughter (the one who wrote that affectionate letter Bill previously showed me) stayed until he died. She put Bill’s hand in her head and stayed there for a while. I saw you passing in the corridor and wished you came in. I spent an hour counseling the family after he died. Tony, you deserted me.” So I replied,” Why didn’t you drag me from the corridor and take me inside the room?”

Bill was a very likable patient. Even the correctional prison guards expressed some sadness knowing how he died.

Reference - How We Die : Reflections on Life's Final Chapter by Sherwin B. Nuland

I ONCE WAS LOST, BUT NOW AM FOUND

Mr. B was a 69 year old black man who was just been operated for throat cancer. He was immediately then receiving radiation treatment. His speech was slurred and at the time he was feeling very miserable. He could not eat solid foods and was being fed thru a tube connected to an incision made in his stomach area. “It is so difficult for me to endure these after effects. I do not know what will happen to me in the future.” He was serving time for murder. He had a daughter who was a drug addict and divorced. His only son had died. Fortunately he had two nieces who corresponded. One of them occasionally even drove all the way from down south USA to visit him.

After my first weekly visit, Mr. B informed the prison Medical Social Worker he did not want to see me thereafter. He said to the MSW that we did not seem to communicate and I did not understand what he was talking about. The next week Mr. B changed his mind and this time informed the MSW he wanted to see me again. And so I did see him. “I am very sorry about how I responded to your visiting me last week. I have requested that my radiation treatments be discontinued. I was in misery. I prefer death if this will be the outcome. But I have done so many wrong things before and now I am very sorry for what I have done. I can’t help thinking about these past bad events. This illness is causing me so much pain. But I know God cares about me.”

Two weeks later I visited Mr. B to see how he was doing. “I am feeling quite well. No pain or discomforts as I was having during my radiation treatments. So far so good except for a pain in my left jaw. The cancer may be spreading there. Two inmates from this floor died last week. No, I am not scared of dying. I now pray very often every day. I would be glad when this is over with.” Mr. B was still being fed through a tube inserted in his stomach area and his speech was still slurred. After the operation he had a problem of not being able to swallow solid foods.

I continued my visits with Mr. B and noticed the gradual spiritual transformation he seemed to be undergoing. “What ever happens because of my illness, I am prepared to live with it; even staying in prison for the rest of my life. I do not want to be a financial or social burden to my nieces.” At that time he was being considered for medical parole.

I continued with my routine visits with Mr. B at the prison hospital. These are some of the statements he made. “I know I am not alone. I pray to God very often every day. I try to remember God is with me in my pains. I am anticipating the pains will increase sometime in the future. I am spiritually prepared to deal with it.” However, instead of regressing, his medical status seemed to be improving. Mr. B was now looking at another six months of living without any complications. But he was still fed through a tube inserted in the stomach area and receiving pain medications. His moments of depression occurred when he would recollect his crime. “I regret my having a drinking problem. I was drinking and had a burst of anger. I blame myself for the crime of murder that I committed. I am so sorry I ever did that. I still keep thinking, if only I hadn’t been drinking. And very often on my mind, I ask myself how could I have taken someone’s life away. I have been a failure to my relatives and friends.”

Nine months have passed and Mr. B seems to be hanging on. His spiritual awakening shows on every visit with him. “I keep the faith, Tony. I now know the contrast between love and hate. I am grateful God has decided to have me live longer. I am so grateful my life has changed for the better. As you can see, I don’t think I have cancer anymore. No pain and I am stronger. The Lord seems to have made me much better. I am so glad I have found my peace with the Lord. I don’t know what would have happened to me if I did not change. I now would like to help other inmates I know. I never realized how calm I am to be at peace with the Lord. Tony, I am sure glad I found Jesus during my stay here at the hospital. Remember how unpleasant and complaining I was right after my throat operation? Now I have a new life. I do not understand how I did not see this spiritual life all those years before then.”

Two years later, Mr. B is still hanging around. His speech has somewhat improved but he continues being fed through a tube in his stomach. His operation for throat cancer has left him unable to swallow solid foods, most probably for the rest of his life. I once asked Mr. B, “In our many get-togethers, you never told me you asked God to cure you. How come?” “No, I did not. I experienced my peace by being connected to God. It made such a big difference in my attitude towards life.”

The parole board has denied his medical parole and he remains in jail. Mr. B’s spiritual status is unchanged. “I am not depressed but unhappy about their response. I am discouraged but accepting God’s will. Most probably I will die here in prison.” And so I asked him, “What would you do if you were paroled.” He answered, “All I wanted is to experience some peace outside the prison walls; and do some fishing.” In his hospital room I noticed the prayer sheet I gave him a long time ago, which he now had it taped in his wall. In big letters were the words of Christ.

“I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, even if he dies shall live; and whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die.”

I DON’T WANT A GOD THAT CONDEMNS ME

Dan, a prisoner/patient at the State Prison hospital had liver cancer that has metastasized. He was in prison for numerous drunken driving offenses, although he has not killed anyone from his drunken driving.

The first time I met Dan and entered his room, Dan started crying. He immediately said “I have cancer and I am dying. I don’t want to die alone in prison. I also have seizures and you can see the swell on my face as I fell once on it.” So I asked, “Dan, do you have any spiritual or religious beliefs?” He answered, “No I don’t. I probably don’t believe in a God. I do not want to associate myself with any religion, because I do not want to believe in a God that will punish me for what I have done. I am having all these anxiety attacks. I keep having these dreams seeing myself in a coffin.” So I responded, “Do you know what you are doing to yourself? You have already condemned yourself experiencing all these anxieties and fears. God has not condemned you. Religion is not supposed to torture you. Religion or spiritualism is supposed to give you peace.” He responded, “My mother is catholic. But she is not a regular practicing catholic.”

We then gave him some spiritual books which he continuously started to read. Also, the Parole Board was considering releasing him from prison due to his medical condition. Although Dan had no changes in his medical condition, he has shown significant improvement in his mental status. “This disease is a blessing in disguise. It has given me an awakening to what is really important in life. Last week I saw my mother and I tried to console her. She was very depressed. When I get out of here, I would like to establish a Half Way House where recently released inmates can adjust to society. I have $2000 to start this project with. Although I physically still have pains, I feel better. Like I am releasing the anger and frustration I used to have.”

Dan’s mental status continued to improve. Also the Board was in the process of granting him Medical Parole Release. “My mother is very emotional. I am not sure she wants me to live in her house if I am released from prison. I have this cancer and I don’t believe she wants to get stuck with medical bills. I want to see my 15 year old son and I got word he now wants to see me. But my grandmother who knows where my ex-wife and son live does not want to tell my mother and sisters where they live. My grandmother does not want anything to do with me. It bothers me not to see my son.”

We followed thru with a letter of support for Dan’s medical release including the Hospice Office consenting to his medical care. The oncologist treating Dan’s cancer gave a maximal six month life expectancy prognosis. Also, Dan’s sister finally was able to bring his teen aged son to visit him at the prison hospital. “I was so glad to have a heart to heart talk with my son. I told him how sorry I was to have hurt him and other members in the family due my drinking. My son expressed maturity by telling me, ‘we all should start new from here on’.” This emotional narration brought tears in David’s eyes.

Dan’s medical condition was deteriorating. In contrast his mental and spiritual condition continued to improve. “I used to think at the beginning, and this was an obsession, they have to let me out of prison. Lately, I have been thinking I deserve this prison sentence. Why should they let me off for what I have done? There is no 100% guarantee I would not drink again. In retrospect, this cancer I got was the best thing that ever happened to me. God gave me a wake up call. I would like to continue with God’s plan for me.” Dan again talked about starting a Half Way House for recently released convicts.

In the weeks that followed Dan occasionally regressed to being depressed on his deteriorating health, his parole status, his concerns about how he would get hospitalized treatments if he was released, and so on. Again he would start crying. We worked on the positive events that have happened to him these past few weeks.

Finally, Dan was scheduled to be released from prison. On my last visit I said, “Dan you have reached many of your goals.” He responded, “Yes I know. Now I hope I can do some work couseling others. I am very thankful for your hospice work. It has guided me to see life from the prospective of goodness.”

Dan was released from prison. A month later, Dan died.

DYING ALONE

During one of my visits to the prison hospital, I was warned about Jake, a black prisoner/inmate. I was given a summary of his past activities. He was serving time for murder. “He likes to talk and is a good conversationalist. He is not one to be trusted.”

Jake was dying of metastasis lung cancer. He was in constant pain which was treated with morphine medication. As is common with these patients, he had long ago lost contact with any of his relatives or friends outside the prison walls. Jake said, ”I would like to see my son, Kevin. He is the youngest and it would be nice to see him. There are no bad relations to make up for, but him being the youngest, I would like to make sure he gets the right picture of me.” Later, I mentioned this to the medical social worker who then promised to get in touch with Jake’s relatives.

Jake talked about his upbringing. “I was raised in the South. While I was growing up, I was put to work right away. ‘Boy, do this or boy do that’. So I missed being a normal child. I have no regrets about my parents. They did the best under these circumstances.” During my visit, Jake wanted to be heard rather than spoken to.

The following week, I went in his room again to visit him. “How are you feeling, Jake?” “I am having a bad day today with pain. I am angry at my family whom I wrote to recently. They have not come to visit me. If it were the other way around, there is no question I would be there for them.” Eventually we talk about dying. Jake said,” If someone takes me on a trip, I always want to know where I am going.” I replied, “No one knows for sure where they are going. But you told me you have trust in God and you pray to him. Be confident you’ll find peace wherever you will go.” “If I ask God for something, will He give it to me?” I replied,”As a father gives his son the best, He will. Unless what you ask for will not be in your best interest.”

Jake then went on to talk about how things are not fair in this country. He seemed to be going on and on talking about politics and how society was going downhill. What he was trying to tell me is that he was mistreated by society. After listening a while I decided to leave and told him I needed to see other patients. Thereafter, I noticed he was crying. Our conversation went silent. Finally Jake said "I don't want to die alone".

I stayed longer in my visit to him that day. After someone leaves a prisoner’s room, following prison rules, you need to shut his room door where now no one can go in or out of the room without either the hospital staff or prisoner guards unlocking the door. Most of these prisoner/patients die alone. Five days later, Jake died.

Reference - "We're All Doing Time" by Bo Lozoff

OPENING STATEMENT

I have categorized my life into three inter connected stages. Early in my life I was very much devoted to getting an education, then followed making a living, and at this current stage, discovering my connectedness to humanity. My education encompassed many years of study and eventually getting a degree in Engineering including a doctorate in Mathematics. The next stage was primarily devoted to raising a family, working in a profession, accumulating financial success, and as main recreations, visiting our beautiful US National Parks. Finally after retirement, in this last stage, I have devoted myself to humanitarian concerns. These are the questions I have been pondering on. “Why are we here living in this earth? What is the purpose of this life? Is there an after life?”

I believe we are all spiritual beings having a human experience here on earth. And my communication with the Source of all creation in this life is through my interaction with humanity. This is why I chose Prison Hospice work. My involvement entails going to the State Prison Hospital, interacting with the sick and dying prisoner/patients, and accompanying them in their preparation for their usual transition of dying.

Although I practice some of my religious Christian beliefs, my purpose in visiting these prisoner/patients is not to convert them to any religion whatsoever. Instead, I try to minimize their fears, anger, resentment, and other negative feelings they have to make them as comfortable as possible in their final stage before dying. As Dr. Kubler-Ross summarized these dying stages, we go through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. In my visits we discuss their fear of dying if they express this emotion, and sometimes the belief in a God waiting to punish them some more, the anger at the system and society, guilt and resentfulness on their past life experiences, and the depression they may be currently experiencing.

Allow me to share some of my prison hospice visits with you. I want to emphasize that these have been very rewarding experiences for me personally.