ANGER

James, a 43 year old white man, was at the prison hospital dying of lung cancer. All through his life he had major issues about controlling his anger. Although he was incarcerated for comparatively minor crimes, the crimes were so frequent that he spent much of his life in prison. Charges such as property crimes, alcoholism, parole violations, etc. covered the major part of his criminal record. “I am here in prison for shop lifting. Others have had more serious crimes. I do not understand why I am not paroled. I am dying.” James had been married five times, divorced from his recent wife and fathered six daughters and one son. “Didn’t you want to live a meaningful life?” I asked. “I tried to live that way, especially with my recent wife. It did not work out. She and I were very resentful of each other.”

James was receiving chemo treatment. He also said his brother died of a drug overdose. This incident helped him stay away from drugs since about ten years ago. James complained about the medical treatment he was receiving at the prison hospital. No telephone privileges to talk to his next of kin, the “tickets” (prison violations) he was getting from the hospital staff and prison guards, and the behavior reports about him that were aggravating him. “James, I am not here to judge either you or the Correction Department. My purpose in seeing you is to try to help you spiritually and also work on some social problems you are having. Don’t be upset with me. I am also required to write these reports which are mainly spiritual and social in nature. Besides, you requested for me to see you”, I said.

“My thoughts are in my children. They are now the primary motivation for me to live. I also want to make peace with my (recent) ex-wife. Before then, I broke her jaw. I have had no control of my anger. I was living only for myself.” James went on saying,”I see these other inmate patients who looked better than me. Yet, they die. As for me I want to live. I still want to make something of my life. Yesterday, I wanted to pray for someone who died in this Ward last Sunday.” “Was he a black man?” referring to Mr. Hollins who died last Sunday. “Yes. This is another thing. I used to be prejudiced against blacks. Not anymore. They are just as human as you and I.”

In my next visit, James was very aggravated. “I am still waiting for them (Corrections Parole Board) to recommend releasing me. I said, ”James there are some circumstances we cannot control or change.” Hearing this remark, James intensified his anger. “Don’t try to make me accept what I don’t want to accept. Also, don’t try to talk to me about religion. Be careful visiting patients like me. They may harm you. You do not know what can happen. Did I scare you?” So I answered, ”Are you telling me it is not safe to visit you? You initially said I looked tired. Do I also look scared? I am a Hospice volunteer. I am not trying to convert you on any religion. My purpose is to make you feel better both spiritually and emotionally.” James was still angry. “You cannot make me accept what I don’t want to accept. I am very strong willed.” “Look James, I am not your enemy. Also, I am not an employee of the Prison Department.”

On this visit, James started recollecting his life history. He had a very difficult upbringing with his father, mother, and living with eight other siblings. His father was a bartender and bouncer. He had a drinking problem. His mother was a barmaid in the same bar. He said his mother was a very attractive woman and he had sexual fantasies about her. He, his brothers and sisters were constantly fighting with each other. “I have been in jail on and off for 30 years. At one time I blamed my father for all my problems. But now I realize it was my own doing. My brother used to steal cars. But he never got caught.” James then narrated a very traumatic incident involving his drunken uncle during his boyhood. His uncle used a pair of pointed pliers, stuck it under James nostrils, and squeezed hard until he started to bleed. James was very emotional as he demonstrated to me how the uncle tortured him. Three or four times during his recollections, James needed to wipe away the tears flowing from his eyes. Finally he said, ”I was a carpenter by trade. This same uncle who asked me to build a porch in his house did try to chisel me when paying me. I did a good job. But now my uncle and I get along fine.”

At one time James talked to me about religion and his spiritual beliefs. “I have a brother and a sister who follow their religion very seriously. I think this religion business is a bunch of crap. However I believe in an eternal hereafter life. In this life it will be like opening a new horizon. There, only goodness and kindness exists. There will be no hatred, no manipulations, no jealousy, and all those negative emotions.” After a brief pause, I said. ”Don’t you think it is time to talk to your children and say the words, ‘I love you?” “Oh, they know that”, James replied. “I mean verbally say it to them. When my wife and I have an argument and one says “I love you”, that would be the end of the argument. Children also need to be reminded.” James broke down and said,”Tony, you have a way of entering my mind. It scares me.”

A couple of weeks later, James was actively dying. “I don’t know what is happening to me,Tony?” “Do you still pray in your own way?” I asked. “Yes I do.” James was finally medically paroled and transferred over to a Hospice House. I was surprised to hear how quickly a few days later, James died. He died having a peaceful closure. His ex-wife and some of his children were with him when he died. His brother also came to see him before he died. On hearing this news, I remembered James words to me once while I visited him at the prison hospital. “I would rather die in the gutter outside then die alone in this prison.”