I DON’T WANT A GOD THAT CONDEMNS ME

Dan, a prisoner/patient at the State Prison hospital had liver cancer that has metastasized. He was in prison for numerous drunken driving offenses, although he has not killed anyone from his drunken driving.

The first time I met Dan and entered his room, Dan started crying. He immediately said “I have cancer and I am dying. I don’t want to die alone in prison. I also have seizures and you can see the swell on my face as I fell once on it.” So I asked, “Dan, do you have any spiritual or religious beliefs?” He answered, “No I don’t. I probably don’t believe in a God. I do not want to associate myself with any religion, because I do not want to believe in a God that will punish me for what I have done. I am having all these anxiety attacks. I keep having these dreams seeing myself in a coffin.” So I responded, “Do you know what you are doing to yourself? You have already condemned yourself experiencing all these anxieties and fears. God has not condemned you. Religion is not supposed to torture you. Religion or spiritualism is supposed to give you peace.” He responded, “My mother is catholic. But she is not a regular practicing catholic.”

We then gave him some spiritual books which he continuously started to read. Also, the Parole Board was considering releasing him from prison due to his medical condition. Although Dan had no changes in his medical condition, he has shown significant improvement in his mental status. “This disease is a blessing in disguise. It has given me an awakening to what is really important in life. Last week I saw my mother and I tried to console her. She was very depressed. When I get out of here, I would like to establish a Half Way House where recently released inmates can adjust to society. I have $2000 to start this project with. Although I physically still have pains, I feel better. Like I am releasing the anger and frustration I used to have.”

Dan’s mental status continued to improve. Also the Board was in the process of granting him Medical Parole Release. “My mother is very emotional. I am not sure she wants me to live in her house if I am released from prison. I have this cancer and I don’t believe she wants to get stuck with medical bills. I want to see my 15 year old son and I got word he now wants to see me. But my grandmother who knows where my ex-wife and son live does not want to tell my mother and sisters where they live. My grandmother does not want anything to do with me. It bothers me not to see my son.”

We followed thru with a letter of support for Dan’s medical release including the Hospice Office consenting to his medical care. The oncologist treating Dan’s cancer gave a maximal six month life expectancy prognosis. Also, Dan’s sister finally was able to bring his teen aged son to visit him at the prison hospital. “I was so glad to have a heart to heart talk with my son. I told him how sorry I was to have hurt him and other members in the family due my drinking. My son expressed maturity by telling me, ‘we all should start new from here on’.” This emotional narration brought tears in David’s eyes.

Dan’s medical condition was deteriorating. In contrast his mental and spiritual condition continued to improve. “I used to think at the beginning, and this was an obsession, they have to let me out of prison. Lately, I have been thinking I deserve this prison sentence. Why should they let me off for what I have done? There is no 100% guarantee I would not drink again. In retrospect, this cancer I got was the best thing that ever happened to me. God gave me a wake up call. I would like to continue with God’s plan for me.” Dan again talked about starting a Half Way House for recently released convicts.

In the weeks that followed Dan occasionally regressed to being depressed on his deteriorating health, his parole status, his concerns about how he would get hospitalized treatments if he was released, and so on. Again he would start crying. We worked on the positive events that have happened to him these past few weeks.

Finally, Dan was scheduled to be released from prison. On my last visit I said, “Dan you have reached many of your goals.” He responded, “Yes I know. Now I hope I can do some work couseling others. I am very thankful for your hospice work. It has guided me to see life from the prospective of goodness.”

Dan was released from prison. A month later, Dan died.