I ONCE WAS LOST, BUT NOW AM FOUND

Mr. B was a 69 year old black man who was just been operated for throat cancer. He was immediately then receiving radiation treatment. His speech was slurred and at the time he was feeling very miserable. He could not eat solid foods and was being fed thru a tube connected to an incision made in his stomach area. “It is so difficult for me to endure these after effects. I do not know what will happen to me in the future.” He was serving time for murder. He had a daughter who was a drug addict and divorced. His only son had died. Fortunately he had two nieces who corresponded. One of them occasionally even drove all the way from down south USA to visit him.

After my first weekly visit, Mr. B informed the prison Medical Social Worker he did not want to see me thereafter. He said to the MSW that we did not seem to communicate and I did not understand what he was talking about. The next week Mr. B changed his mind and this time informed the MSW he wanted to see me again. And so I did see him. “I am very sorry about how I responded to your visiting me last week. I have requested that my radiation treatments be discontinued. I was in misery. I prefer death if this will be the outcome. But I have done so many wrong things before and now I am very sorry for what I have done. I can’t help thinking about these past bad events. This illness is causing me so much pain. But I know God cares about me.”

Two weeks later I visited Mr. B to see how he was doing. “I am feeling quite well. No pain or discomforts as I was having during my radiation treatments. So far so good except for a pain in my left jaw. The cancer may be spreading there. Two inmates from this floor died last week. No, I am not scared of dying. I now pray very often every day. I would be glad when this is over with.” Mr. B was still being fed through a tube inserted in his stomach area and his speech was still slurred. After the operation he had a problem of not being able to swallow solid foods.

I continued my visits with Mr. B and noticed the gradual spiritual transformation he seemed to be undergoing. “What ever happens because of my illness, I am prepared to live with it; even staying in prison for the rest of my life. I do not want to be a financial or social burden to my nieces.” At that time he was being considered for medical parole.

I continued with my routine visits with Mr. B at the prison hospital. These are some of the statements he made. “I know I am not alone. I pray to God very often every day. I try to remember God is with me in my pains. I am anticipating the pains will increase sometime in the future. I am spiritually prepared to deal with it.” However, instead of regressing, his medical status seemed to be improving. Mr. B was now looking at another six months of living without any complications. But he was still fed through a tube inserted in the stomach area and receiving pain medications. His moments of depression occurred when he would recollect his crime. “I regret my having a drinking problem. I was drinking and had a burst of anger. I blame myself for the crime of murder that I committed. I am so sorry I ever did that. I still keep thinking, if only I hadn’t been drinking. And very often on my mind, I ask myself how could I have taken someone’s life away. I have been a failure to my relatives and friends.”

Nine months have passed and Mr. B seems to be hanging on. His spiritual awakening shows on every visit with him. “I keep the faith, Tony. I now know the contrast between love and hate. I am grateful God has decided to have me live longer. I am so grateful my life has changed for the better. As you can see, I don’t think I have cancer anymore. No pain and I am stronger. The Lord seems to have made me much better. I am so glad I have found my peace with the Lord. I don’t know what would have happened to me if I did not change. I now would like to help other inmates I know. I never realized how calm I am to be at peace with the Lord. Tony, I am sure glad I found Jesus during my stay here at the hospital. Remember how unpleasant and complaining I was right after my throat operation? Now I have a new life. I do not understand how I did not see this spiritual life all those years before then.”

Two years later, Mr. B is still hanging around. His speech has somewhat improved but he continues being fed through a tube in his stomach. His operation for throat cancer has left him unable to swallow solid foods, most probably for the rest of his life. I once asked Mr. B, “In our many get-togethers, you never told me you asked God to cure you. How come?” “No, I did not. I experienced my peace by being connected to God. It made such a big difference in my attitude towards life.”

The parole board has denied his medical parole and he remains in jail. Mr. B’s spiritual status is unchanged. “I am not depressed but unhappy about their response. I am discouraged but accepting God’s will. Most probably I will die here in prison.” And so I asked him, “What would you do if you were paroled.” He answered, “All I wanted is to experience some peace outside the prison walls; and do some fishing.” In his hospital room I noticed the prayer sheet I gave him a long time ago, which he now had it taped in his wall. In big letters were the words of Christ.

“I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, even if he dies shall live; and whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die.”