I MAY COME BACK AS AN ANIMAL


John Torres, a handsome Native American/White man in his middle fourties, was admitted to the prison hospital for liver disease. He suffered from frequent pain, depression, and he worried about dying in prison. Ironically he was at the end of serving his prison sentence. He also had the usual complaints of the medical treatment he was receiving at the prison hospital.

A year and a half ago, the first time I met him, he began with this conversation, “Hi! I heard of you from a fellow inmate. I’ve been wishing to speak to you for two weeks now. I’m dying and I am angry with myself. I have been in and out of prison for the past twenty years. I am angry at myself for wasting all these years. I have a wife who has been faithful to me all through our married life. She is bisexual. She has a girlfriend. There are many things I could accomplish with my wife. She also spent some time in prison. She was an accomplice to my drug dealings. Right now, she is living with her relatives who absolutely do not want anything to do with me. I would die angry if I could not see my wife again or touch her. But now I do not know if my wife will still accept me. She may say ‘John, you come home, have sex with me, then you die. What’s the point?’ My two children (one in the late 20’s and the other in early 30’s) hardly know me. I don’t know my grandchildren. I now desperately want their support. She and my children are always in my mind. I get depressed sometimes. I do not want to die alone.” Finally I said, “We have been talking for the past hour now and you have not mentioned anything about your spiritual beliefs”. “Don’t get me wrong”, he replied.. “I pray.” So I continued, ”You don’t seem to accept reality. If you die here, you will die alone. Your spiritual God is all you have right now. He is the only one you can connect with. There is no one else.”

In my next visit, Mr. Torres must have had an altercation with the prison personnel. I noticed he was handcuffed. There were two prison guards standing in the room. One of the guards said to me to make my visit brief. Mr. Torres was seating in a wheel chair still in a defiant mood. “Look at my condition right now. Look at this officer here staying in the room while you visit me. You both might as well leave.” This patient was agitated because he thought the prison guard next to him was smiling. In response to this remark the guard replied, ”People sometimes die alone. You, you are given a chance to make peace with your Creator”. ”John, forget about all this crap that is going in your mind,” I said. “Yes, it probably will benefit you to concentrate on your relationship with your spiritual Creator. There is no one else that will listen to you. Your wife, though you told me used to lead you spiritually, she is not here now with you. This is all you have left.” I was earlier informed John’s wife refused to take him back when he ends his prison term next year. There was no point in continuing to talk to him. He was still agitated. So I gave John some prayer sheets and recited for him Psalm 23. “The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall lack nothing…..Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For You are with me.” This prayer seemed to calm John down.

“Tony, I am glad to see you today. I had a rough time last week. I thought I was going to die. (Mr. Torres had what is medically called an ammonia attack due to his liver disease.)” “I was also disoriented. I was walking in the hallway, half naked, and I started to poop right in the hallway. And I was not even aware of what I was doing. Today I am better, Tony, I am afraid to die in this prison hospital alone. At nights I look at these walls in my room and wonder how many prisoners have died in this room. I can’t sleep at nights, thinking their spirits are still hanging around within these walls. I am afraid to sleep thinking that if I die soon, where will I find myself in this so called spiritual world? I am afraid to die because I have not lived. I have not been able to raise a good family. Right now I wish I could just go fishing, drive a car, and do other things normal people do.”

The following week I visited Mr. Torres, where again there was a security guard watching him outside his room. I asked Mr.Torres what happened this time. “I was given another ticket (violation report). I got to walking in the hallway outside the door, not fully aware of what I was doing. (Prisoners are only allowed to wander in the hallways for an hour during recreation time.) The male nurse at this ward asked me what I was doing in the hallway. He barked ‘Get back in your room’. And he proceeded to grab me by the back of my neck and lead me to my room. I started arguing. So I was given a ticket. I know when my rights are being violated! In the prison cell blocks people sometimes get killed for lesser assaults. This male nurse is well known here in this hospital for similar behaviors towards us prisoners.” I checked with another prisoner/patient who told me the same thing. He said this same male nurse at this ward ‘has a chip on his shoulder’. So finally I told John, “Remember the Serenity Prayer sheet I gave you? ‘Grant me the courage for things I can change, accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference?’ Although it is hard, many times we have to swallow what reality presents us, even though we know we are right; more especially so in this prison environment.” We previously talked about the negative effects of resentment and the results of showing anger in a prison atmosphere. There is so much negativity here. Resentment and punishment in this prison is everywhere.

John frequently wanted to talk about what he would do once he is released from prison. “I am looking forward to July, the day I will have served my time. This woman from up north is willing to take care of me.” This woman, Sherie, apparently was an old acquaintance of his during his younger days before he moved out West. She lived near his original home town. So John showed me scantily dressed pictures of her in his room. There is some truth that some women fall for convicts. Sherie had already visited John at this prison hospital. John proceeded to say,“I will inquire with the prison Medical Social worker if there is a Hospice House close to where Sherie lives and with good medical care. I do not know if these arrangements can be made. However I would like to stay in this woman’s home during weekends, after I get my medical treatments.” One thing the MSW has informed me later, is that John has a sexual violation on a minor in his record. And this woman has two teen aged daughters. Meaning, this arrangement was not possible. At one time, John also was talking about a possible liver transplant. This would be an expensive medical treatment. Knowing how the state looks at medical expense procedures for every prisoner/patient and then approves or disapproves each one, I was certain this liver transplant he wished for was realistically out of the question.

During one of my later visits, Mr. Torres was recovering from one of his regularly scheduled ‘ammonia attacks’. A high level of ammonia flares up on people with his type of liver disease. These affected people lose their concentration, balance, and suffer from physical pain. As the patient’s liver disease progresses, these attacks occur more frequently. This probably explains why John gets agitated during these attacks. Consequently he then is given a ticket. Later, I discussed his condition with the department Medical Social Worker. The Medical Social Worker at least seemed to acknowledge it. “I was sick for the last two days, Tony. I am starting to get better and now I know what I am doing or where I am. I am scared, Tony. I am going to die soon. I know you do not want me to talk like this, but I know how I feel.” I tried to console his fears. “I am sorry for being impatient. You know best how your body reacts to these attacks. It is tragic you have this liver disease. But the positive side is that you now are better connected with your God and your spirit. I have seen improvements in you the last six months or so during my visits with you”. “Yes, I know I am a better person from six months ago. My goal is not to get another ticket no matter what”. Suddenly he saw another prisoner/patient walking towards the recreation area. All of a sudden Mr. Torres briefly went out of his room, hollered at the prisoner/patient walking along the hallway and said that he would not be able to join him in the recreation room as he wanted to spend more time with me during my visit. A nurse in the hallway immediately hollered, “Either you get back in your room or go to the recreation area. If you don’t do this, I will write you a ‘ticket’.”

Finally back in his room John proceeded to tell me, ”I received a letter from my father. He is not well and wants to make amends. My father refused to talk to me for twenty-six or so years. I just wrote him a letter of joy.” According to the prison medical social worker, Mr. Torres in the past, had shot his father in the chest. The father was hospitalized but lived. Ironically, the father refused to file charges against his son. Mr. Torres probably had some anger issues with his father as he rarely talked about him. He more frequently talked about his Indian mother. He preferred to be called by his Indian name, This was the name his Indian mother used to call him.

Mr. Torres developed a cyst in his groin area. This cyst and his liver disease were giving him so much pain. I noticed he had to struggle going from his bed to the toilet bowl in his room. He was scheduled to have an operation for this cyst. “Sometimes I can hardly think right because of this pain. I also have difficulty meditating when saying my prayers. You remember a Dr. Kevorkian who was incarcerated in this state? Well I knew him personally since we were in the same prison block area. We had many conversations together. I wish now he were here and could assist me in ending my life. Look at me! I am a retard! I am tired of these pains which come up often. I wish he were here now. I would ask him to end my life. Believe me, I honestly wish to get this over with.” I could see where John was coming from. I met a depressed cancer patient once in a very similar situation. He said to me,” They might as well shoot me and get it over with”. Some people are upset when the state executes prisoners for their crimes. I believe this prolonged kind of death sentence in a prison atmosphere is more difficult to endure than an execution. I continued my communication with John and said to him, “You know I can see why a guy like Dr. Kevorkian can, with conviction, end the life of a suffering patient. He does not believe in God! It is logical to act this way if you believe there is nothing else beyond this life.” I once watched Larry King’s program in an interview with Dr. Kevorkian. In this TV program, these were Dr. Kevorkian’s convictions. Finally I said, “‘John, why don’t you wait for the train when it is scheduled to come at the station.” We proceeded to converse on the meaning of life, the universe, and life after death as most people believe in.

In our next encounters, I noticed John was more spiritually motivated than initially when I first met him. Before, he would say such things as, “I love having sex with women. Is there sex in heaven?” To this question I would answer “I don’t know. You will have to ask some one there when you die.” In my next visit with him he initiated the conversation about this woman (not his wife) or current girlfriend, whom he knew 20 or 30 years ago. “I am writing a letter to this woman. We had produced a son. At that time I treated her very badly to the point she would be black and blue from my abuses. Now I am writing her asking for forgiveness. Naturally since then, she does not want anything to do with me. She raised our son with the help of the husband she married then. I have gone through so much unhappiness of my own doing in this life that I believe this is what hell is. If there is a hell, it must be right here in this earth. My life experiences have been like living in hell. Last night I was awake thinking about all the cruelty I have done to other people. I started to cry. However, I am still afraid to die. In the past I have committed such cruelty acts towards others, I feel God is going to punish me. I don’t see how it can be otherwise, from the cruel life I have led ”. So I said, “Who knows what the after life is for any one of us who dies. It is possible the suffering from your sickness and mental agony is already your hell you are talking about. Your karma in hell that you are anticipating may be happening here right now.” And so John continued,”In my next life (he believes in reincarnation) I need to make amends for my actions in this life. I may come back as an animal. More likely, I may come back as a deer. You can see I am now in a wheel chair. This wheel chair has made me realize how cruel I was to so many others. Remembering my past actions is now haunting me. So I thought to myself, isn’t this how hell is?” I was thinking to myself then, of my belief that God does not condemn man. Man condemns himself! In the Christian prayer, The Creed, it says “He (Jesus Christ) descended into hell”. Is this what Jesus Christ saw there? However I personally believe a person in this state of mental agony and remorse is not lost forever. Finally, to alleviate his mental suffering, I told him to, ”Let the past fade away. Why get lost in yesterday! Be confident in your relationship with God.“

There is a Catholic priest who makes his routine visits at this prison hospital once a month. Realizing John’s father was Portugese and most probably Catholic, I asked John if he would like such a visit. He agreed. Here is a narration of the priest’s visit as described by him. “I was glad when the Catholic priest came to see me. He gave me the Last Rites. It was one of the few times I really felt at peace. He also gave me a rosary. Can you teach me how to pray the rosary? Thanks for making this arrangement for a priest to come to see me. Tony, are you also part of heaven?” “Why do you say that?”, I asked. “Because you, Julie Hart (another Hospice spiritual volunteer), and this priest make me feel I am in a different world of peace.” So I replied, ”John, I am just a messenger! It is your response that really makes the difference.” In my next visit I gave John a sheet with detailed steps on how to say the rosary, bead by bead. I noticed then thereafter he had that rosary tied to his bed railing. He once said, ”When I die, I would like this rosary to be on my hand.”

Then Mr. Torres was suddenly transferred to the city hospital because he became seriously ill. The city hospital obviously has much better care facilities, and seriously ill patients close to dying are occasionally transferred there for a short duration. When they sent John back to the prison hospital, he greeted me saying,“Hey Tony, I almost died last week! I heard the hospital staff member say, ‘We have to get him back’. I felt life was leaving my body. I know I was in touch with God. I had hopes to go to heaven.” He still showed the affects of his recent ordeal at the city hospital. His eyes were black and blue and he seemed to be drained out of energy. “Yes, I am still afraid to die, because I don’t know if Jesus Christ will accept me. I have done terrible things in my life. I am afraid where I may end up after dying. People here in this (prison) hospital do not know what I am going through. They treat me like dirt. I hope now you take me seriously that I am dying. I don’t have that many days left. Don’t leave so soon.” Again he asked,”Are you part of heaven?” “Why do you keep saying that?” “Because I feel good when you are here visiting me. With some of the nurses who treat me with kindness, I feel the same way. Yes, I am meditating on my spiritual life more seriously now. I believe I will meet my deceased parents when I die. I am very tired of this suffering going within me. I wish my life would be over. Yet, I feel that some here in this hospital still treat me with meanness in their hearts.”

Finally the days were approaching for John to be released. He had served his time in jail. The medical social worker made arrangements for him to live at a Hospice House within the state. Thus John’s medical needs would be met there, although not as thoroughly as here in the Prison hospital. On that very last day I saw him, I gave him the startling news he did not want to hear. “John, although I am classified as an outside volunteer, I have been again informed I cannot have any further contacts with any prisoner/patient once they are released from the prison hospital just like any regular employee. We have had some meaningful conversations about God and man’s spiritual life for more than a year now. It’s time to let go and be on your own John.” Looking at me nervously, he said,”I was hoping we could still see each other when I leave prison. I would like to see you again. They are taking away the one person I would like to see before I die.” Thereafter John took my hand, placed it in his forehead, and started to cry. My last remarks to him were, “John, no one accompanies anyone when they die. I know you can do it!. Courage .” For a while no words were spoken until he got hold of himself again. So before leaving I said,”How about a hug before I go.” After I gave him a hug, I then closed his hospital room door. I never saw him again.

John had some adjustments to do initially the first few days at the Hospice house he was transferred to. First, the usual complaints; then followed his calming down and being resigned to his new environment. Twelve days after he was admitted at this Hospice House, John died. Recalling my memories about John, I truly cannot fully comprehend what this man went through. As one prisoner/patient once remarked to me,”You do not know what we go through. You are not wearing our shoes.”