Prison Hospice Spirituality

2010-10-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

MY MAMMA DONE TOLD ME!
I remember the first few lines of this song, “Blues in the Night”, as in the title of the song. I heard the song in a movie I watching in an open field with the rest of the GI’s. The movie was shown in an open field beside an Army hospital where the American battle wounded soldiers were treated during the liberation of Luzon in the Philippines, 1944. The hospital was no more than the town church, and inside this church lay rows of beds for the wounded soldiers . This Spanish architecture of concrete and stone church was very similar to the ones you see in the Southwest US. Following his usual routine, the church catholic priest would still say mass at the front altar every morning!
What was the movie about? It was about a US pilot downed during the war and came back to his training Air Force school as a ghost instructor. This killed pilot was played by the actor, Spencer Tracy. He left a fiancée whom he obviously did not marry. And in one scene he was supposedly guiding a cadet pilot doing his solo flight. Spencer Tracy, the ghost instructor, was sitting on the back behind the cadet pilot and in one scene, he was irritably annoyed. Because this young cadet for one thing, was now dating his former fiancée. And while flying, this young cadet would start singing, “My mamma done told me!”. So Tracy, the ghost instructor would shout back, “Quit talking about what your mamma had told you and concentrate on your flying”. Being a ghost he supposedly could not be heard.
Why was this movie shown in the open area? By that time the Japanese planes in the area were pretty much decimated. And so there was no danger of enemy bombings. Not long before then, I had the interesting experience of seeing a US plane chasing a Jap plane . Then, after a few machine gun bursts, down went the Jap plane. I was imagining that the local natives were already rushing to the downed plane salvaging whatever aluminum scrap metal they could salvage. They would melt this aluminum metal to make pots and pans.

What was I doing hanging around that hospital area? It so happened my youngest brother was recuperating from a brain injury he sustained during a bombing raid, ironically by American planes. This happened when US planes bombed the town center a couple of weeks prior to the US landing in Lingayen Gulf, Luzon. (General Douglas Mac Arthur himself landed on the beach with the first wave of infantry men). Before the landing, some US planes were reconnoitering the town area. Suddenly these US pilots were annoyed because Japanese anti aircraft guns started shooting at them. They proceeded to bomb the vicinity. Half of the house we were in was blown off. One person in our group died and a few wounded. Walking through the town streets later, we passed more dead civilians. General Douglas Mac Arthur landed on the beach soon after the first wave infantry men hit the beach. He strolled on the beach about 10 miles from where we were.

Days after the landing, an Evacuation Army Hospital was set up in town. An army major brain surgeon and his team picked up my brother, set him on a stretcher in a jeep for the army hospital. And he proceeded with an operation the next day. This team of jeeps had to travel through beside bamboo thick river trails outside town. We felt safer evacuating to the countryside bundocks after the bombings. Luckily, my father was a great diplomat, pleading with the US army soon as they secured the nearby town we were in. My wounded brother was beginning to go blind from possibly an infection. Anyway, here I was making my routine visits to see my youngest brother in the hospital.

While making my routine rounds of visits, I would pass through the center ailes of this hospital church and see these wounded GI’s. One wouded soldier particularly stuck in my mind. Because he had an open stomach wound and his inside guts were plainly uncovered. During my passings through I heard him shout a couple of times, “Momma”. I believe this kid was only in his teens. Not much older then my oldest brother. A few days later, I saw his bed empty and clean. So I asked the GI nearby where he was. He grimly said, “He died last night”. For a 12 year old, this made a lasting impression on me. I am now convinced what a powerful impression “Momma” makes on her child.

MY MOMMA DONE TOLD ME
WHEN I WAS IN KNEE PANTS
MY MOMMA DONE TOLD ME SO
AH HUEY AH HUEY, AH CLICKITY-CLOCK
I’VE GOT THE BLUES IN THE NIGHT

2008-12-17T10:50:00.000-08:00

LOST IN TRANSLATION

Recently my volunteer work at the State Prison Hospital has been primarily as a Spanish English translator for prisoner/patients either confined in the hospital wards or as outpatient needing medical care. These patients are either Central or South American Spanish speaking patients. Many of the ones I meet have been in the US for more than 15 or 20 years, yet they either do not fully understand or cannot communicate in English. Obviously this handicap greatly contributes to the deterioration in their medical ailments. Here are a few of my past encounters.

Case Patient One was in the waiting room getting ready for an operation in the Surgical Unit. The medical staff needed to fill out a significant number of checkups and paper work which needed to be completed before the surgeon could proceed with the operation. Not only was the patient required to give them information but also to receive medical treatments. To complicate matters, the patient’s degree of anxiety usually magnified during this waiting and answering of questions period. My work not only consisted of interpreting these questions but also to try to calm these patients down. I remember Patient One asking me to stay longer in the surgical area even during and after the operation. As I suspected the reason for his anxiety was he thought the operation was an excuse for the prison medical personnel to execute him in the operating room.

Case Patient Two was an outpatient regular visitor who had a history of heart problems. The medical care given to him at the Prison Hospital was more than any outside citizen would normally get. In my thoughts, I wondered whether the poor average citizen outside prison would be able to afford such treatments. These included not only doctor regular checkups but also extraordinary medical remedies such as installing a pace maker on the patient, etc. At one visit the doctor recommended a bypass operation. The patient informed me to tell the medical staff he was not willing to undergo such an operation as he was already in his 60’s. Besides he informed me his father died of the same heart ailments in his 40’s. However, there was one medical problem the prison personnel either would or could not handle. The prisoner was mentally ill. His conversation with me gave him away. How would the prison medical staff handle this mental illness if there were no available Spanish-English speaking counselor or psychologist?

Case Patient Three was an Eye clinic patient who had eye sight problems. After examination by a medical student then followed by the supervising eye doctor in charge, the patient was told his sight problems seem to be getting progressively worse. The problem was this patient had never had an eye examination most probably even before he was incarcerated and there developed growing scars in his eyes all those years. The treatment was now only confined to controlling these scars tissues from growing worse. It was too late to have an eye operation. And so control medical remedies were given. The medical staff as I explained to the patient emphasized how to follow these medical instructions and medicine given to him was to be followed. We emphasized the fact that if this patient would not follow these remedies that he would eventually end up going blind.

Case Patient Four was an HIV patient deteriorating to a possible AIDS status. We had difficulty retracing his case history as he occasionally lied during a questioning period. Eventually, when we were alone he mentioned with some pride how when he was a former bus driver in his native country that he had a woman in every bus destination. Being on an outpatient status he would then be transported back to his cell block. He later complained about problems urinating. He also stated that his cell did not have a toilet bowl. And so during curfew time at nights, he contrived several container schemes where he could discharge his urine in his cell room. He had no way to explain to the correction officers of his need to go to the toilet more often. On a later clinical visit the doctor informed him he had prostate cancer. Because he was seriously ill an operation was scheduled to be performed at the better equipped city hospital. Again there needed to be a translator all this time right up to preparation and recovery from the operation. His HIV status weakened his immune system so that his cancer eventually metastasized. A few days before he died at the prison hospital room he motioned to me to read to him a letter in the drawer from his brother out West. He was not very conversant and almost comatose. I was later surprised to be informed the brother who wrote this emotional letter was a Ph D Engineering candidate at some state university. What a contrast between the two brothers! We finally contacted a catholic priest to give him the catholic Last Rites.

Case Patient Five was either a hilarious or sad case depending on how you look at it. This patient was in the recovery room within the surgical unit area at the prison hospital. He had a minor operation. A young nurse was attending to him in this recovery room. He seemed bored. And so he said in Spanish that he would pass the time masturbating.

There is a TV program showing cases of Americans being incarcerated in foreign countries and their subsequent pleas for release. This is the reverse case but probably a worse situation. The fact is that these Latin prisoners are mostly uneducated. These prisoners are not fully conscious of what is happening to them while in prison. They are like logs floating in an ocean waiting to be washed on a shore, ending up to be released or dying in prison.

2008-07-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

A LONELY DEATH AT THE PRISON HOSPITAL

I just finish my rounds visiting prisoner/patients at the third floor of the hospital ward and was on my way towards the elevators. On my way out, I used my prison issued key to unlock the ward doors and approached the elevator waiting area. At the elevator waiting area, there stood this wheeled stretcher with a dead body inside a dark plastic bag. I was puzzled not seeing anyone attending to the body. It stood there in this elevator waiting room as if anticipating for someone to wheel it to the elevator too. Again I used my authorized key to get the elevator moving to where I was waiting and still staring at this dead body beside me. Finally I closed the elevator doors and took a last glimpse at the corpse still unattended.

Finally I reached the exit floor area, removed and discarded my rubber protective gloves, turned in my authorized key, made a few stopovers at the offices of prison personnel and headed for the hospital exit doors. On my way out next to the entrance/ exit area I passed through these same elevator doors where I got out from the third floor ward. Low and behold, there was this same corpse on the same wheeled stretcher also waiting to be shipped out! Again this unfortunate dead prisoner was left alone in the hallway with all the hospital activity busily going about and no one paying attention to this body lying in the middle of the hallway.

Let me describe how one gets into the prison hospital. After you enter the hospital lobby, you announce to the receptionist whom you are going to meet inside the hospital. Climbing up the stairs you wait outside the screening room with electrically operated sliding doors both in and out of the screening area. Only one of these sliding doors is opened at one time for people to get into or out of the hospital activity area. The guard motions you to come in or wait for a while to come in. If there are prisoner/patients coming in and out and always accompanied by their prison guards, you wait for the all clear motioned by the guard assigned in the screening area. Finally you get into this screening area where you sign in, go thru metal detectors, and get issued with a passcard by another attending guard, after you give him your driver’s license. If the metal detectors buzz, as is sometimes the case because I use hearing aids, you get searched top down before exiting the screening area. The same routine follows as you leave the hospital except you skip the detector devices.

Going back to my exiting experience, again I had to wait before entering the screening area. On that day, there was a group of daytime only prisoner/patients exiting with their guards. Some prisoners had chain shackles in both their hands and feet and another chain connecting these two shackles. As each prisoner exited, they were required to shout not their names but their prisoner assigned numbers shown on the back of their prison issued uniforms. So I waited staring at the dead body waiting to be transported out with still no one around it. At the same time the last prisoner in this line to exit out also started staring at the body. Finally we looked at each other and I said, ”Looks like this guy did not make it”. So the prisoner answers me, showing no emotion of sorrow or gladness and casually said, “That’s the way it is. Shit happens.”

What is the meaning behind that remark? Let me quote some of the comments I have heard from some of the prisoner/patients in this hospital. “We are the last people society wants to associate with. No one gives a damn what we say concerning our medical needs. No one cares how much physical pain we have in this hospital. This is the last motel we are staying before we die.” To sum it up they perceive themselves as meaningless fragments in an alien world. “Shit happens.”

2008-06-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING

Russ Thompson was a man in his middle fifties admitted at the prison hospital for end stage COPD. During my visits with him he was usually on a wheel chair and he was attached to an oxygen tube to facilitate his breathing. He also had emphysema which resulted in him uncomfortably coughing regularly. I decided to write a brief biography of his life. In my judgment, his last days in his life shows more of an interesting drama of human nature then what you can watch on most current TV programs. Here is his story.

“I am thankful to talk with someone who has similar beliefs as I do. I am at peace with myself. My only regret is that I have not been truly of God until these last recent years.” Mr. Thompson started his spiritual path about one or two years ago. He was surprised how much peace it has brought in his life. He credits his conversion to his incarceration in the state prison. “As I was serving my time here in prison, I began to see the spiritual side of me. I don’t know why I committed those crimes which till now I am very remorseful.” Mr. Thompson needed some uplifting. So I said to him, ”You had to go the bottom of your humanity to see the truth of what your spiritual self is made of. Now it is time to move on to a better way of life.” “I do not fear death”’ he said. “I am confident at the thought of death.”

As is typical of prisoners such as Mr. Thompson, he had his up and down days. This is what he told me in the following visit: “I am still very much focused on communicating with God through my prayers. But I am having difficulty meditating this week. My mother just informed me that my brother committed suicide. I am hoping and praying God will still accept him. It bothers me.” “Russ, God’s mercy exceeds more than what any of us humans are capable of. Besides, you do not really know what mental torture your brother had to go through before he decided to end his life. Are we sure you or I would have acted differently?” Russ continued, “When I was growing up I was very close to a brother who had cerebral palsy. No one in the family could understand his speech. But I did. I wanted to take care of him. I was angry at God for giving me such a brother with cerebral palsy. I could not stomach those preachers on TV talking about God. Now I believe I am a different person. But once in a while the old personality seems to come back. I catch myself and start praying.” Later, as I was leaving the prison hospital, I wondered. Was this the brother his mother informed him who recently committed suicide?

“I was a different person before I found God. However, I am not always confident I have completely rejected my past life. Tony, here is an example of what I am talking about. This incident recently happened. I was shaving with my safety razor here at the hospital and the nurse told me to turn the safety razor in. I have 20 or more safety razors in my cell block and I could not understand why I could not keep mine here. The nurse quickly responded, “I am going to write you a ticket (violation).” At first this made me angry. But then I calmed down because I am now not an angry man. I used to be before. Even when I was growing up I was that way. I would challenge every authority figure.” “Russ, we are not human beings that are perfect in every way. When your thoughts come back where you find yourself as the old you, this does not mean you are back as the old you. Not until you act on these thoughts. I am hoping these spiritual conversations we regularly have are motivating you to find your spiritual true self.” “I am glad you come to visit me. I am always grateful I have someone to talk to who is similarly interested in a more meaningful spiritual life. I don’t know why it took me so long to see the light. My mother and some relatives always had a spiritual outlook in life. At that time I thought this was a lot of bunk. Spirituality has recently made a big difference in my life.”

Mr. Thompson has intermittent problems with breathing. His medical condition is deteriorating. He now has three or four vertebrae severely damaged due to his consistent coughing. “My emphysema illness is contributing to my deterioration. I also have recently developed problems in breathing. When I am not having these severe pains, I can more freely meditate and carry on a conversation with God. However, when these attacks come I get disoriented. It seems I loose track of reality. I have this fear of losing my faith in God. I do not want to come back to the old me.” “Russ,this is understandable. Very few people are as level headed when they are in severe pain. My suggestion is to ask God to accompany you in these moments of trial.” “I know He is always with me. But during these times I get disoriented and I find myself separate from Him.” “If you realize Jesus is always walking beside you, I believe one cannot have fear”, I replied. I also suggested to him to keep asking for medication from the nurse’s ward to alleviate his suffering.

After so much previous hesitation, Mr. Thompson confided in me that he wrote his sister asking for forgiveness. “I received a letter of reply from my sister. It is in that envelope over there (beside his bed). Please read it.” In summary this letter stated his sister has forgiven him. And that they would meet again in heaven. I commented, “This letter could not have been written any better. All these meditations and prayers are now making you realize God has forgiven you. Look at the changes in yourself these past few months.” “I hope I have the opportunity to see my family members again. I would like to show them I am not the same person I was before. I want to see my mother and other relatives to tell them how God has changed me. But initially I would like to live in an interfaith shelter here in this county. I want to continue giving God’s message to mankind.”

The Parole board finally gave approval for a medical parole for Mr. Wade. In all my experiences, these medical parole releases always follow with the prisoner dying very soon after. It is my belief, the prison personnel will not grant a medical release unless they are reasonably sure the prisoner will die very soon after release. In fact on some occasions the prisoner patient dies before being released.

Here is an incident that occurred before Mr. Thompson’s release on medical parole. “Tony. I am very concerned about a report given to me by the prison personnel. It states I would sell my morphine when paroled. I believe a nurse at the ward supposedly reported this was said by me. I am not sure. It may have been another inmate patient who reported this comment. In truth I may have said this just as a joke. It makes me angry because for one, the corrections department has informed me they will not supply me with morphine when I am released. I am going to suffer in pain. I feel like reverting back to my old self when people accuse me of something involving drugs I have no intentions on following through.” “Russ, it would be a major setback if you revert to your old self. Look at the big picture. Your goal is to have peace not only in this life but also in your spiritual life when you die. Take a good look at everyone else you deal with. Don’t you think we all have some kind of problems?” “I understand what you are saying. But we are convicts. Nobody here will take a convicts word before a nurse or anyone else on the outside. My vertebrae is even deteriorating. I will not be able to get some medical pain relief on the outside.” At this time I noticed Mr. Wade was on his usual wheel chair and would probably be this way for the rest of his life. Also, he was breathing with the help of an oxygen tube.

A week later Mr. Thompson reported to me, “I am on a withdrawal program from morphine pain medication. These withdrawal doses are going too fast. I feel my body cannot cope with it. They are making me suffer.” He was in bed and too weak to sit on his wheel chair. “What if I suddenly got well and all these medical problems completely disappeared. Will I revert back to my old life style? I don’t know. One thing I do know, I don’t want to loose the peace and serenity I have found with God in my life.” I said, ”You have worked so hard to get you where you are now.” A few days later Mr. Thompson reported his regression from a previous large dosage of morphine was going well, He also had some spiritual matters to talk about which was giving him pace of mind.

A few days before his release I visited Russ. He looked physically better than the previous days I saw him. “Tony. I feel great. I know God has given me this parole opportunity to amend my life. I also read and re-read those spiritual prayers and inspirational materials which is now a ritual I follow through. You have helped me significantly in changing my life and of being aware of God’s presence. Tony, I even feel physically better. I do not need those pain killers like morphine now. I feel like a new man. Look, I am also not using the oxygen tubes to help me breath. This is like a miracle to me. I would like to show my mother I am not the old selfish person she used to know. I recently thanked the nurse for helping me. Even though I recall a few times we had our serious disagreements. I thanked her for her care to us convicts.” “And what was her reaction” I asked? “She cried. She told me some days she has too much pressure imposed on her.”

Five months later, the Medical Social Worker at the Corrections Department informed me Mr. Thompson died in a medical facility.

2008-05-01T08:38:00.000-07:00

I AM AFRIAD TO DIE

Jason Saylor, a man in his early forties, was dying of liver failure. Jason was terrified of dying. The first thing I noticed when I entered his room was the look of deep anxiety in his face as he lay in his bed.

“I do not feel very good”, Jason said. “I cannot eat well. Yes, I would like my mother to see me. At one time I did not believe in God. I would like a minister to come and visit me. I feel I am being punished.” So I responded, “A minister will come to see you. As for your illness, God is not punishing you. Your recent life style brought this illness of hepatitis and liver failure on you. I don’t believe God operates that way.” Jason was an alcoholic.

On my next visit the following week, Jason still had a great deal of anxiety. “Yes, my mother came to visit me. I told her everything about the crimes I committed. Recently, I have been praying very often to God. I do not want to die. My mother is also afraid I may die.” “Jason”, I said. “I also am afraid of dying. Talk to God, same as you and I are talking now. Tell Him you are afraid of dying and see if you can find some courage to face this difficulty.” Soon after, Jason got very emotional. He started crying. He did not want me to leave his room. “I don’t want to die alone”, he said. Finally he reached out his arms and wanted a comforting hug.

The following week, Jason told me,”I am very sick. I am concerned of my abdominal pains. Now, I pray to God very often. When I pray, I ask God for His forgiveness. I used to drink a lot. I abused too many women. I remember I used to stalk these women, looking whether they left their home’s front door unlocked, etc. Now I am tormented what I have done wrong.”

The week before Jason died, he started talking about the spiritual encounters he just had. This probably could have been just his hallucinations. To Jason, they seemed very real happenings. “My grandmother came to visit me here. We had a long conversation. My grandfather was with her but he said nothing. He just looked on to us during this visit.” Both his grandparents have been deceased a long time.

A couple of days later, Jason died. His mother and two sisters came to his bedside shortly before he died. It seems like he had made his peace with his family before then. He was ready to let go. However, no conversations took place during his last hours. Jason was already comatose.

2008-01-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

I BELIEVE IN THE HOLY CATHOLIC CHURCH

I met Patrick McCarthy, a patient at the prison hospital, five years ago. He was being treated for stomach cancer. He was about 60 years old but, as is common with other prisoner patients, he looked 10 years older. Although no one had been killed during his crime spree, Mr. McCarthy had committed a violent sex crime in his youth. “I am discouraged. After 30 years in prison, I feel I have paid my dues. What I wish for is to have some family time and a normal meal with my relatives.” Mr. McCarthy was discouraged. This happened soon after the Medical Social Worker at this prison informed him his Medical Parole petition was unlikely to be approved based on the response of the Parole Board members. Mr. McCarthy had been sentenced for a 100 year prison term for his crime. He could not realistically expect parole. He talked about accepting his prison status. “When I was young, I was irresponsible which also included my sex habits. I have not had sex for 30 years and now I don’t miss it. I was led astray by the rebellious attitude of the young in the 60’s. My parents failed to guide me. They had problems among themselves. This is how I landed in prison”. Pat came from a Irish catholic background. At one time he told me, ”I did not have much contact or relationship with my father. He was too busy. I missed his companionship. I missed this normal relationship with my father. But I have no resentments as to what happened to me while growing up. I do not resent what I missed not having a normal family. Jail time has given me the opportunity to be closer to my Creator.” One of his uncles, a Franciscan priest from Chicago occasionally visited him at the prison. At the time of his crimes, Mr. McCarthy mentioned that he was being treated for mental illness. This had not been brought out during his trial. The fact is that Mr. McCarthy was being treated for schizophrenia for many years during his prison term.

“I don’t know what my mission in this life is. Perhaps it is to continue my ministry here in prison attending to other inmates in need. What does God want me to do?” Mr. McCarthy mentioned how he was counseling a fellow inmate spiritually. This fellow inmate murdered his two children by putting them inside an incinerator. Also during one of my other visits with him, Mr. McCarthy showed me letters of affection from a spiritual group of inmates in his former facility. “While in prison, I personally knew of at least 10 distraught inmates who committed suicide.” I stated that his eloquent prayer invocations, his popularity with other spiritual inmates in the prisons, and his counseling sessions were probably his mission in this life. “Since you have much closer contacts with these prisoners who’ve have had similar experiences, you may be the person who can most help them”, I added. While in prison, Mr. McCarthy also earned a psychology degree. We arranged for a catholic local priest to give him regular communion per his requests. “God bless you, Tony, for visiting us prisoners here in this hospital. We are the last people the general public wants to associate with. Most everyone wants to avoid associating with us prisoners. In fact one of the nurses in this ward is treating me like dirt. I am glad you decided to do this (Hospice Ministry) after you retired from your profession.”

Mr. McCarthy’s medical problem is that he was having a constant battle with stomach cancer. His symptoms were the usual stomach pains, acidity forming in his digestive system, gas pains, constipation, diarrhea, water retaining in his body, swollen abdomen, swollen feet, etc. To complicate matters he had also developed a hernia and due to poor dental hygiene, eventually all his teeth had to be extracted. During those years, his medical condition progressively got worse. At one time an X-ray showed a lump the size of an apple in his intestines. Again he was sent to the city hospital for an operation. Mr. McCarthy eventually was sent back to the prison hospital with tubes attached to his stomach and abdomen. One tube was to feed him his nutrients and the other to drain off his urine and bowel excretions. However Mr. McCarthy always had the attitude he would recover. Like a roller coaster ride he did periodically get better but only to go back to a more deteriorated condition. Mr. McCarthy was able to have his feeding tube removed and thereafter was able to take the usual solid meals given to these prisoner/patients at the prison hospital. But the extracting urine and bowel tube and bag remained. This bag attachment was a great deal of discomfort to him. Moreover Mr. McCarthy was constantly cleaning his abdomen from liquids, using gauzes and towels to absorb these liquids that would leak around the tube area. As usual, infections would periodically develop around the tube opening, one time becoming so bad he again had to be sent to the city hospital. Mr. McCarthy told me about an irritable ward nurse who said to him upon entering his room, “You stink. This room smells foul.” Also there were prisoner/patients who refused to share the same room with him because of this sickening odor. At one of my visits Pat said, ”I know Tony, this room stinks like shit. I have no bag right now and I’m using these gauze and towels to absorb the drainage from my intestines,The nurses in the ward tell me they can only come to help me with a clean bag according to their schedule.” Eventually Mr. McCarthy was so determined to have the doctors remove this bag and have the hole in his body sewn up. This was a point of aggravation to him that he consequently filed a grievance report on the prison system. What we later found out is that the doctors were concerned about closing this hole. They maintained this procedure could be fatal and kill him. Pat calmed down when he was told this fact. On his last emergency trip back to the city hospital Mr. McCarthy finally died.

On several of these serious setbacks, followed by reasonable recoveries, I always wondered what was keeping Pat alive in every one of these ordeals. Most probably it was because of his strong belief in God and catholic religious rituals he regularly followed. However his beliefs and his confidence in his catholic practices, once in a while, bordered on some prejudices. For example, he believed Islam is a religion which practices violence. But his good works included praying for the dying inmates in this prison hospital and even praying for the hospital staff and security guards within. At one time a non-catholic inmate was near death and severely disturbed because the prison authorities misplaced his personal belongings since he had to be sent to the city hospital due the seriousness of his condition. Apparently a catholic priest who visited this non-catholic patient gave him a rosary. He was discouraged that this rosary was also lost. So Pat gave this patient one of his rosaries and was continually concerned of his dying status. My co-Hospice volunteer worker, Judy, who also happens to be a catholic, would regularly give Pat a Communion Host. Pat requested regular visits from the priest since he also wished confession and the occasional Last Rites, a sacrament for the dying. I sometimes wondered, given his current medical condition, what sins this guy had to confess to a priest, if any. I made it a habit to “steal” a Sunday catholic quarterly missal at my church so as to give it to Pat. With his 9 inch black and white TV in his room Pat would follow the catholic mass using this missal on hand. There came a point that it was a waste of time handing Pat some Bible excerpts or catholic prayers as he knew them all. So I would read to him some famous poems which were religious in context. In particular he liked the poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow entitled “A Psalm of Life”.

Tell me not in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

There was not much more to rehash during my later visits, so we made it a practice to say a decade of the rosary before the visit was over. And while saying the rosary Pat had a lot of included petitions such as the war in Iraq, fellow dying prisoner/patients, the Holy Father in Rome, and even for my regular driving trips with my wife visiting our children and grandchildren in the Midwest, East Coast, and South. Pat had religious pictures of saints posted all over the walls in his room.

In my judgment this man died a saint. No, he had no religious eulogy nor any catholic rituals when he died. Pat has no chance of being canonized as a saint in Rome, let alone recognized he ever existed. When a prisoner/patient dies, the Corrections Department has to comply with procedures on what to do with the body. Unbeknownst to me, Pat did a have a daughter who obviously was estranged from him for many years. Since no one claimed Pat’s body, he was buried at the prison cemetery close by. How ironic! Even in death McCarthy has not gotten out of these prison grounds.

Rest in peace, Pat!

2007-12-13T09:50:00.000-08:00

I HEAR VOICES

Joe Robinson was a black man in his middle forties and was sick with multiple myeloma and also mentally ill. Joe was not initially actively dying but he was bedridden and seemed to be filled with anxiety.

As I entered his room, I began with my usual introductory line saying, “Hi! I’m a volunteer from Hospice here at the prison hospital. I am here to assist you in your spiritual and social needs….” Before I could finish my usual introductory line, Joe immediately interjected. “Can we talk about my fears? I am hearing voices! Yes, usually they are frightening me. I hear these voices threatening me and making me very anxious. Yes, they are evil voices.”

Although I knew he was mentally ill, I was not prepared to deal with a schizophrenic. I have no training especially with this type of mental illness. What do I tell this man in order to ease his anxieties? Although Mr. Robinson was seeing a prison psychiatrist he obviously was still very mentally ill. So I came up with this basic reply, “Tell those voices to shut up! Tell them you are in charge of your thoughts, not them.” I also surmised this person needed spiritual help. What simple prayer may I suggest to him to counteract those voices? So I continued speaking, “Do you know the ‘Our Father’ prayer? In this prayer there is a phrase saying ‘Deliver us from Evil’. Why don’t you and I say the ‘Our Father’ prayer together, now”, After this prayer we recited together, Joe continued ,”My brother is a minister. I feel at peace when he comes to visit me”. “OK I will talk to the Medical Social Worker to call your brother for another visit. Be conscious that Jesus Christ is always beside you. No harm can come to you if you realize this.”

In my next visit the following week, Mr. Robinson’s medical condition was worsening. His left hand was swollen. His abdomen on the right side was profusely bleeding. I also recalled that my suggestions to him last week, on shutting down those evil voices in his mind. It was only a temporary solution. So I asked, “Do you still hear those evil voices talking to you?” “Not very much”, he replied. “They seem to be slowly fading away. I had some woman appear in my room this week. She told me not to be afraid. She also put a gauze here in my open wound and said the bleeding would stop. She also told me that Jesus Christ would be here beside me. This woman’s name was Sherry or Mary, I am not sure. I am more at peace now and I am not afraid. As I think about Jesus Christ, those evil voices are slowly leaving me.” Whether Joe had an illusion because these hospital nurses were regularly attending to him or he had some spiritual revelation, I do not know. The fact is he seemed to be mentally relieved of his anxiety. And so I continued, ”You are now realizing God is more powerful than those evil voices. Try to keep in constant communication with Jesus Christ. Just say what is in your heart.”

The following week, during my visit, Mr. Robinson was dozing on and off from consciousness. I realized he was delirious. His voice seems to grow weaker. “Joe, do you remember who I am? Let me say a prayer for you.” Mr. Robinson then countered, “Listen. Do you hear the voice of Jesus Christ? Now listen.” “These evil voices, are they still there?” “No, they are not there anymore. I hear the voice of Sherry.” Sherry was the woman in his mind to tell him not to worry. While I said a prayer for him, his eyes kept closing and alternately opening as if losing consciousness.

The week after, Mr. Robinson was feeling better. “Hey, I got good news. I have been granted Medical Parole. I am really happy about this. No, I do not hear those evil voices anymore. But I have this pain in my chest.” “Ask God to help you also in your physical pain.” “I know that. Jesus Christ is the only one that can really help me. Thanks for coming to see me.” During my visit, the head nurse and a ward nurse were attending to Mr. Robinson’s needs. He said to them, ”You are all not going to leave me are you? I am at peace now. I feel good inside.”

In my last visit, Mr. Robinson was very uncomfortable and his pains seem to aggravate. I believe he was dying. He was on oxygen, his open sores kept reappearing, and he would lapse into unconsciousness on and off. “Joe, don’t be afraid to die. Don’t loose your faith. Jesus Christ is here beside you keeping you company.” His last words were, “I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe….” His words started fading away.

The Corrections Medical Social personnel informed me Mr. Robinson was indeed discharged from the prison hospital under a Medical Parole status. Unfortunately he continued saying, Mr. Robinson died two days after his release. One comforting situation is that his mother and other close relatives were at his bedside when he died. He was at a Hospice house at that time.

2007-11-06T17:31:00.000-08:00

I MAY COME BACK AS AN ANIMAL

John Torres, a handsome Native American/White man in his middle fourties, was admitted to the prison hospital for liver disease. He suffered from frequent pain, depression, and he worried about dying in prison. Ironically he was at the end of serving his prison sentence. He also had the usual complaints of the medical treatment he was receiving at the prison hospital.

A year and a half ago, the first time I met him, he began with this conversation, “Hi! I heard of you from a fellow inmate. I’ve been wishing to speak to you for two weeks now. I’m dying and I am angry with myself. I have been in and out of prison for the past twenty years. I am angry at myself for wasting all these years. I have a wife who has been faithful to me all through our married life. She is bisexual. She has a girlfriend. There are many things I could accomplish with my wife. She also spent some time in prison. She was an accomplice to my drug dealings. Right now, she is living with her relatives who absolutely do not want anything to do with me. I would die angry if I could not see my wife again or touch her. But now I do not know if my wife will still accept me. She may say ‘John, you come home, have sex with me, then you die. What’s the point?’ My two children (one in the late 20’s and the other in early 30’s) hardly know me. I don’t know my grandchildren. I now desperately want their support. She and my children are always in my mind. I get depressed sometimes. I do not want to die alone.” Finally I said, “We have been talking for the past hour now and you have not mentioned anything about your spiritual beliefs”. “Don’t get me wrong”, he replied.. “I pray.” So I continued, ”You don’t seem to accept reality. If you die here, you will die alone. Your spiritual God is all you have right now. He is the only one you can connect with. There is no one else.”

In my next visit, Mr. Torres must have had an altercation with the prison personnel. I noticed he was handcuffed. There were two prison guards standing in the room. One of the guards said to me to make my visit brief. Mr. Torres was seating in a wheel chair still in a defiant mood. “Look at my condition right now. Look at this officer here staying in the room while you visit me. You both might as well leave.” This patient was agitated because he thought the prison guard next to him was smiling. In response to this remark the guard replied, ”People sometimes die alone. You, you are given a chance to make peace with your Creator”. ”John, forget about all this crap that is going in your mind,” I said. “Yes, it probably will benefit you to concentrate on your relationship with your spiritual Creator. There is no one else that will listen to you. Your wife, though you told me used to lead you spiritually, she is not here now with you. This is all you have left.” I was earlier informed John’s wife refused to take him back when he ends his prison term next year. There was no point in continuing to talk to him. He was still agitated. So I gave John some prayer sheets and recited for him Psalm 23. “The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall lack nothing…..Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For You are with me.” This prayer seemed to calm John down.

“Tony, I am glad to see you today. I had a rough time last week. I thought I was going to die. (Mr. Torres had what is medically called an ammonia attack due to his liver disease.)” “I was also disoriented. I was walking in the hallway, half naked, and I started to poop right in the hallway. And I was not even aware of what I was doing. Today I am better, Tony, I am afraid to die in this prison hospital alone. At nights I look at these walls in my room and wonder how many prisoners have died in this room. I can’t sleep at nights, thinking their spirits are still hanging around within these walls. I am afraid to sleep thinking that if I die soon, where will I find myself in this so called spiritual world? I am afraid to die because I have not lived. I have not been able to raise a good family. Right now I wish I could just go fishing, drive a car, and do other things normal people do.”

The following week I visited Mr. Torres, where again there was a security guard watching him outside his room. I asked Mr.Torres what happened this time. “I was given another ticket (violation report). I got to walking in the hallway outside the door, not fully aware of what I was doing. (Prisoners are only allowed to wander in the hallways for an hour during recreation time.) The male nurse at this ward asked me what I was doing in the hallway. He barked ‘Get back in your room’. And he proceeded to grab me by the back of my neck and lead me to my room. I started arguing. So I was given a ticket. I know when my rights are being violated! In the prison cell blocks people sometimes get killed for lesser assaults. This male nurse is well known here in this hospital for similar behaviors towards us prisoners.” I checked with another prisoner/patient who told me the same thing. He said this same male nurse at this ward ‘has a chip on his shoulder’. So finally I told John, “Remember the Serenity Prayer sheet I gave you? ‘Grant me the courage for things I can change, accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference?’ Although it is hard, many times we have to swallow what reality presents us, even though we know we are right; more especially so in this prison environment.” We previously talked about the negative effects of resentment and the results of showing anger in a prison atmosphere. There is so much negativity here. Resentment and punishment in this prison is everywhere.

John frequently wanted to talk about what he would do once he is released from prison. “I am looking forward to July, the day I will have served my time. This woman from up north is willing to take care of me.” This woman, Sherie, apparently was an old acquaintance of his during his younger days before he moved out West. She lived near his original home town. So John showed me scantily dressed pictures of her in his room. There is some truth that some women fall for convicts. Sherie had already visited John at this prison hospital. John proceeded to say,“I will inquire with the prison Medical Social worker if there is a Hospice House close to where Sherie lives and with good medical care. I do not know if these arrangements can be made. However I would like to stay in this woman’s home during weekends, after I get my medical treatments.” One thing the MSW has informed me later, is that John has a sexual violation on a minor in his record. And this woman has two teen aged daughters. Meaning, this arrangement was not possible. At one time, John also was talking about a possible liver transplant. This would be an expensive medical treatment. Knowing how the state looks at medical expense procedures for every prisoner/patient and then approves or disapproves each one, I was certain this liver transplant he wished for was realistically out of the question.

During one of my later visits, Mr. Torres was recovering from one of his regularly scheduled ‘ammonia attacks’. A high level of ammonia flares up on people with his type of liver disease. These affected people lose their concentration, balance, and suffer from physical pain. As the patient’s liver disease progresses, these attacks occur more frequently. This probably explains why John gets agitated during these attacks. Consequently he then is given a ticket. Later, I discussed his condition with the department Medical Social Worker. The Medical Social Worker at least seemed to acknowledge it. “I was sick for the last two days, Tony. I am starting to get better and now I know what I am doing or where I am. I am scared, Tony. I am going to die soon. I know you do not want me to talk like this, but I know how I feel.” I tried to console his fears. “I am sorry for being impatient. You know best how your body reacts to these attacks. It is tragic you have this liver disease. But the positive side is that you now are better connected with your God and your spirit. I have seen improvements in you the last six months or so during my visits with you”. “Yes, I know I am a better person from six months ago. My goal is not to get another ticket no matter what”. Suddenly he saw another prisoner/patient walking towards the recreation area. All of a sudden Mr. Torres briefly went out of his room, hollered at the prisoner/patient walking along the hallway and said that he would not be able to join him in the recreation room as he wanted to spend more time with me during my visit. A nurse in the hallway immediately hollered, “Either you get back in your room or go to the recreation area. If you don’t do this, I will write you a ‘ticket’.”

Finally back in his room John proceeded to tell me, ”I received a letter from my father. He is not well and wants to make amends. My father refused to talk to me for twenty-six or so years. I just wrote him a letter of joy.” According to the prison medical social worker, Mr. Torres in the past, had shot his father in the chest. The father was hospitalized but lived. Ironically, the father refused to file charges against his son. Mr. Torres probably had some anger issues with his father as he rarely talked about him. He more frequently talked about his Indian mother. He preferred to be called by his Indian name, This was the name his Indian mother used to call him.

Mr. Torres developed a cyst in his groin area. This cyst and his liver disease were giving him so much pain. I noticed he had to struggle going from his bed to the toilet bowl in his room. He was scheduled to have an operation for this cyst. “Sometimes I can hardly think right because of this pain. I also have difficulty meditating when saying my prayers. You remember a Dr. Kevorkian who was incarcerated in this state? Well I knew him personally since we were in the same prison block area. We had many conversations together. I wish now he were here and could assist me in ending my life. Look at me! I am a retard! I am tired of these pains which come up often. I wish he were here now. I would ask him to end my life. Believe me, I honestly wish to get this over with.” I could see where John was coming from. I met a depressed cancer patient once in a very similar situation. He said to me,” They might as well shoot me and get it over with”. Some people are upset when the state executes prisoners for their crimes. I believe this prolonged kind of death sentence in a prison atmosphere is more difficult to endure than an execution. I continued my communication with John and said to him, “You know I can see why a guy like Dr. Kevorkian can, with conviction, end the life of a suffering patient. He does not believe in God! It is logical to act this way if you believe there is nothing else beyond this life.” I once watched Larry King’s program in an interview with Dr. Kevorkian. In this TV program, these were Dr. Kevorkian’s convictions. Finally I said, “‘John, why don’t you wait for the train when it is scheduled to come at the station.” We proceeded to converse on the meaning of life, the universe, and life after death as most people believe in.

In our next encounters, I noticed John was more spiritually motivated than initially when I first met him. Before, he would say such things as, “I love having sex with women. Is there sex in heaven?” To this question I would answer “I don’t know. You will have to ask some one there when you die.” In my next visit with him he initiated the conversation about this woman (not his wife) or current girlfriend, whom he knew 20 or 30 years ago. “I am writing a letter to this woman. We had produced a son. At that time I treated her very badly to the point she would be black and blue from my abuses. Now I am writing her asking for forgiveness. Naturally since then, she does not want anything to do with me. She raised our son with the help of the husband she married then. I have gone through so much unhappiness of my own doing in this life that I believe this is what hell is. If there is a hell, it must be right here in this earth. My life experiences have been like living in hell. Last night I was awake thinking about all the cruelty I have done to other people. I started to cry. However, I am still afraid to die. In the past I have committed such cruelty acts towards others, I feel God is going to punish me. I don’t see how it can be otherwise, from the cruel life I have led ”. So I said, “Who knows what the after life is for any one of us who dies. It is possible the suffering from your sickness and mental agony is already your hell you are talking about. Your karma in hell that you are anticipating may be happening here right now.” And so John continued,”In my next life (he believes in reincarnation) I need to make amends for my actions in this life. I may come back as an animal. More likely, I may come back as a deer. You can see I am now in a wheel chair. This wheel chair has made me realize how cruel I was to so many others. Remembering my past actions is now haunting me. So I thought to myself, isn’t this how hell is?” I was thinking to myself then, of my belief that God does not condemn man. Man condemns himself! In the Christian prayer, The Creed, it says “He (Jesus Christ) descended into hell”. Is this what Jesus Christ saw there? However I personally believe a person in this state of mental agony and remorse is not lost forever. Finally, to alleviate his mental suffering, I told him to, ”Let the past fade away. Why get lost in yesterday! Be confident in your relationship with God.“

There is a Catholic priest who makes his routine visits at this prison hospital once a month. Realizing John’s father was Portugese and most probably Catholic, I asked John if he would like such a visit. He agreed. Here is a narration of the priest’s visit as described by him. “I was glad when the Catholic priest came to see me. He gave me the Last Rites. It was one of the few times I really felt at peace. He also gave me a rosary. Can you teach me how to pray the rosary? Thanks for making this arrangement for a priest to come to see me. Tony, are you also part of heaven?” “Why do you say that?”, I asked. “Because you, Julie Hart (another Hospice spiritual volunteer), and this priest make me feel I am in a different world of peace.” So I replied, ”John, I am just a messenger! It is your response that really makes the difference.” In my next visit I gave John a sheet with detailed steps on how to say the rosary, bead by bead. I noticed then thereafter he had that rosary tied to his bed railing. He once said, ”When I die, I would like this rosary to be on my hand.”

Then Mr. Torres was suddenly transferred to the city hospital because he became seriously ill. The city hospital obviously has much better care facilities, and seriously ill patients close to dying are occasionally transferred there for a short duration. When they sent John back to the prison hospital, he greeted me saying,“Hey Tony, I almost died last week! I heard the hospital staff member say, ‘We have to get him back’. I felt life was leaving my body. I know I was in touch with God. I had hopes to go to heaven.” He still showed the affects of his recent ordeal at the city hospital. His eyes were black and blue and he seemed to be drained out of energy. “Yes, I am still afraid to die, because I don’t know if Jesus Christ will accept me. I have done terrible things in my life. I am afraid where I may end up after dying. People here in this (prison) hospital do not know what I am going through. They treat me like dirt. I hope now you take me seriously that I am dying. I don’t have that many days left. Don’t leave so soon.” Again he asked,”Are you part of heaven?” “Why do you keep saying that?” “Because I feel good when you are here visiting me. With some of the nurses who treat me with kindness, I feel the same way. Yes, I am meditating on my spiritual life more seriously now. I believe I will meet my deceased parents when I die. I am very tired of this suffering going within me. I wish my life would be over. Yet, I feel that some here in this hospital still treat me with meanness in their hearts.”

Finally the days were approaching for John to be released. He had served his time in jail. The medical social worker made arrangements for him to live at a Hospice House within the state. Thus John’s medical needs would be met there, although not as thoroughly as here in the Prison hospital. On that very last day I saw him, I gave him the startling news he did not want to hear. “John, although I am classified as an outside volunteer, I have been again informed I cannot have any further contacts with any prisoner/patient once they are released from the prison hospital just like any regular employee. We have had some meaningful conversations about God and man’s spiritual life for more than a year now. It’s time to let go and be on your own John.” Looking at me nervously, he said,”I was hoping we could still see each other when I leave prison. I would like to see you again. They are taking away the one person I would like to see before I die.” Thereafter John took my hand, placed it in his forehead, and started to cry. My last remarks to him were, “John, no one accompanies anyone when they die. I know you can do it!. Courage .” For a while no words were spoken until he got hold of himself again. So before leaving I said,”How about a hug before I go.” After I gave him a hug, I then closed his hospital room door. I never saw him again.

John had some adjustments to do initially the first few days at the Hospice house he was transferred to. First, the usual complaints; then followed his calming down and being resigned to his new environment. Twelve days after he was admitted at this Hospice House, John died. Recalling my memories about John, I truly cannot fully comprehend what this man went through. As one prisoner/patient once remarked to me,”You do not know what we go through. You are not wearing our shoes.”

2007-08-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

SON, STAY AWAY FROM PRISON LIFE

Richard, a 42 year old Caucasian was dying of cancer, most probably from Leukemia. He was estranged from his wife, but he definitely continued his relationship with his 14 year old son. He also had visits from his sisters and brother who came regularly to see him at the prison hospital.

Richard refused treatments at the hospital even when he was transferred for a short duration to the city hospital which is better equipped to treat cancer patients. He was also concerned the treatments would affect his awareness, especially when his relatives came to visit him. In my initial visit with Richard, his conversations were primarily dominated by his complaints on how the prison system was badly treating him. “Don’t people have any compassion anymore?”, he remarked. “Why are you leaning towards me? Don’t you believe what I am telling you?” So I apologized and said, “I am leaning towards you because I forgot my hearing aid. I want to be clear what you are telling me”. “
Richard then said,“I am primarily bitter how the prison system is treating me. My thoughts are preoccupied with this.”

So finally I said,”I am informed your (fourteen year old) son desperately wants to visit you. Shouldn’t you be spending more time thinking what you will say to him when he comes to see you? Instead you are squandering your time with this crap you are constantly dwelling on. This may be a very meaningful visit from your son. Don’t you think your son is much more important? You also requested your Bible left in your cell block. I assume you believe in God. What about your spiritual life? Have you given that much thought to it?”

The following is a letter Tim, his fourteen year old son wrote to Richard;

Dear Dad,

I remember in your last letter you said that you were not feeling well. Ever since then, I have been hoping you were better. When Mom told me the news today, I was devastated. Since our last contact, a lot has gone on.

Recently, I got into trouble at school. And since that time, I have had time to think. I think of you when I play my guitar. I have been practicing, and I can hear the difference in my playing.

The other day, I asked Mom to develop the film that was left in your camera. The very first picture was of you. I even saw the pictures of when I first got my BB gun. It has got several pictures of me shooting my BB gun. I remember that it was very difficult for me to lift the BB gun.

It was a sad day for me about a week ago regarding my NASCAR life. Dale Earnhart was instantly killed. I love NASCAR and I love cars. My favorite is the Chrysler PT Cruiser.

Dad, I know you are ashamed of what I will think if I get to see you. It would mean the world to me if I could see you one last time. All I want from you is a hug and for me to tell you face to face how much I really do love you. I will be praying to God telling Him to take care of you.

I don’t think I could go on with my life if I don’t see you one more time. I would be just way too sad. I am so happy you aren’t afraid to die. You are the strongest person I know, Dad. I love you Dad. Please don’t leave me without a goodbye. I love you. Please, please. please let me see you one final time. And when you do go on to that place called Heaven, please be there for me when I need you to help me make the right decisions,

I love you forever,
Tim

This is the father’s response to his son, Tim;

Dear Tim,

I just don’t know where to begin. I want you to know I love you. Do you still have your BB gun? If you do I hope you are careful with it. I hope you are good on the guitar. And take good care of it because it is one of a kind. They don’t make them like that anymore. I sure hope you are going to school. It is not easy without an education. It’s not easy with an education either. Try hard to stay out of trouble. Sometimes trouble follows you and it takes an effort to keep away from it. When you get older you might want to move out of “the penitentiary state”. They lock up a lot of people here and throw away the key.

I’m sorry – I wish I could take you fishing one more time. The words don’t come easy for me. You are the most important thing in the world to me and I let you down.

A couple of weeks passed. Richard has deteriorated from two days ago. He looks more tired and is coughing blood. He had a visit from his fourteen year old son, Tim, yesterday. “How was the visit with your son yesterday?”,I asked. “It was good and bad. I told him to stay away from prison life.” “Did you tell your son you love him?”,I remarked. “Yes I did.” And what did the doctor say about your present medical condition?” “I don’t even want to see him (the doctor) anymore.” “You know you are putting yourself in a situation where you could die soon”. “Yes, I realize that. I don’t care anymore.” Finally I said,”Turning away from this negativity, you still can have a positive influence with your son. And what about your spiritual life? You must believe in God since you asked for your Bible. Don’t you think it’s time for you to think about this?” “I am going to do that right now”, Richard answered.

Richard died four days later. Last Friday he suddenly turned for the worse. He requested the prison Medical Social Worker to get a minister to come and visit him. The MSW told me Richard looked frightened nearing his death. His death was too sudden.

2007-07-02T08:52:00.000-07:00

ANGER

James, a 43 year old white man, was at the prison hospital dying of lung cancer. All through his life he had major issues about controlling his anger. Although he was incarcerated for comparatively minor crimes, the crimes were so frequent that he spent much of his life in prison. Charges such as property crimes, alcoholism, parole violations, etc. covered the major part of his criminal record. “I am here in prison for shop lifting. Others have had more serious crimes. I do not understand why I am not paroled. I am dying.” James had been married five times, divorced from his recent wife and fathered six daughters and one son. “Didn’t you want to live a meaningful life?” I asked. “I tried to live that way, especially with my recent wife. It did not work out. She and I were very resentful of each other.”

James was receiving chemo treatment. He also said his brother died of a drug overdose. This incident helped him stay away from drugs since about ten years ago. James complained about the medical treatment he was receiving at the prison hospital. No telephone privileges to talk to his next of kin, the “tickets” (prison violations) he was getting from the hospital staff and prison guards, and the behavior reports about him that were aggravating him. “James, I am not here to judge either you or the Correction Department. My purpose in seeing you is to try to help you spiritually and also work on some social problems you are having. Don’t be upset with me. I am also required to write these reports which are mainly spiritual and social in nature. Besides, you requested for me to see you”, I said.

“My thoughts are in my children. They are now the primary motivation for me to live. I also want to make peace with my (recent) ex-wife. Before then, I broke her jaw. I have had no control of my anger. I was living only for myself.” James went on saying,”I see these other inmate patients who looked better than me. Yet, they die. As for me I want to live. I still want to make something of my life. Yesterday, I wanted to pray for someone who died in this Ward last Sunday.” “Was he a black man?” referring to Mr. Hollins who died last Sunday. “Yes. This is another thing. I used to be prejudiced against blacks. Not anymore. They are just as human as you and I.”

In my next visit, James was very aggravated. “I am still waiting for them (Corrections Parole Board) to recommend releasing me. I said, ”James there are some circumstances we cannot control or change.” Hearing this remark, James intensified his anger. “Don’t try to make me accept what I don’t want to accept. Also, don’t try to talk to me about religion. Be careful visiting patients like me. They may harm you. You do not know what can happen. Did I scare you?” So I answered, ”Are you telling me it is not safe to visit you? You initially said I looked tired. Do I also look scared? I am a Hospice volunteer. I am not trying to convert you on any religion. My purpose is to make you feel better both spiritually and emotionally.” James was still angry. “You cannot make me accept what I don’t want to accept. I am very strong willed.” “Look James, I am not your enemy. Also, I am not an employee of the Prison Department.”

On this visit, James started recollecting his life history. He had a very difficult upbringing with his father, mother, and living with eight other siblings. His father was a bartender and bouncer. He had a drinking problem. His mother was a barmaid in the same bar. He said his mother was a very attractive woman and he had sexual fantasies about her. He, his brothers and sisters were constantly fighting with each other. “I have been in jail on and off for 30 years. At one time I blamed my father for all my problems. But now I realize it was my own doing. My brother used to steal cars. But he never got caught.” James then narrated a very traumatic incident involving his drunken uncle during his boyhood. His uncle used a pair of pointed pliers, stuck it under James nostrils, and squeezed hard until he started to bleed. James was very emotional as he demonstrated to me how the uncle tortured him. Three or four times during his recollections, James needed to wipe away the tears flowing from his eyes. Finally he said, ”I was a carpenter by trade. This same uncle who asked me to build a porch in his house did try to chisel me when paying me. I did a good job. But now my uncle and I get along fine.”

At one time James talked to me about religion and his spiritual beliefs. “I have a brother and a sister who follow their religion very seriously. I think this religion business is a bunch of crap. However I believe in an eternal hereafter life. In this life it will be like opening a new horizon. There, only goodness and kindness exists. There will be no hatred, no manipulations, no jealousy, and all those negative emotions.” After a brief pause, I said. ”Don’t you think it is time to talk to your children and say the words, ‘I love you?” “Oh, they know that”, James replied. “I mean verbally say it to them. When my wife and I have an argument and one says “I love you”, that would be the end of the argument. Children also need to be reminded.” James broke down and said,”Tony, you have a way of entering my mind. It scares me.”

A couple of weeks later, James was actively dying. “I don’t know what is happening to me,Tony?” “Do you still pray in your own way?” I asked. “Yes I do.” James was finally medically paroled and transferred over to a Hospice House. I was surprised to hear how quickly a few days later, James died. He died having a peaceful closure. His ex-wife and some of his children were with him when he died. His brother also came to see him before he died. On hearing this news, I remembered James words to me once while I visited him at the prison hospital. “I would rather die in the gutter outside then die alone in this prison.”

2007-01-21T14:41:00.000-08:00

DEPRESSION IN PRISON LIFE

Janelle was at the prison hospital for terminal lung cancer. Although she was not actively in the process of dying, her case was much more of a typically depressed and despondent person exposed to the routine life of incarceration. One look at her and you could very easily sense the despondency and feeling of abandonment by someone not only incarcerated but also facing the almost sure probability of dying of cancer. Janelle was in prison as a habitual criminal who was accused of shop lifting and also she was a drug abuser.

Here is her story. “I would like my husband to visit me. He does not know I am now in the prison hospital because my lung cancer has progressed more rapidly. Also, I would like my three children to visit me here.” Family members usually are notified by the Corrections Department when their love ones become seriously ill. But it is not uncommon to observe how readily family members abandon their loved ones when suddenly they are incarcerated.

“I keep hearing these voices in my mind telling me I have lost my relationship, especially with my mother and sisters because of my guilt. These voices tell me I deserve to be in jail, sick with lung cancer, and abandoned by my close relatives.” Months ago, the hospital had sent a psychiatrist to examine her for her mental depression and for possible schizophrenia.

Not being a psychiatrist the best advice I could offer was to pray that those voices would fade away. “Tell those voices you, with the help of Jesus Christ, are still in charge of yourself and to shut up!”

The following week I asked Janelle,”Did your mother finally come to see you?” “Yes she came. I felt very glad to see her. And those voices, they don’t come as often as before. But I still hear those voices.” Her mental illness seemed to lessen after she had experienced some love and affection.

Janelle was a very religious person. The first item she asked for when I initially visited her was to have a copy of the Bible in her room. She frequently reeled off passages from the Bible. And so in one of my visits I started reading my printed sheet of Psalm 21, “The Lord is my Shepard”. And to my surprise she continued reciting Psalm 21 word for word by memory.

This is my opinion: religion, the Bible, and mechanical recitation of prayers are not enough to rid oneself of anxiety and depression. “Abandon the search for God and similar things of that kind. Instead, take yourself as the starting place. Ask who it is within you who makes everything his own, saying, “my mind”, “my heart”, “my God”. Learn the sources of love, joy, hate, and desire ….If you carefully examine all these things, you will find God in yourself.”

Reference: "The Origin of Satan" by Elaine Pagels , Vintage 1996

2007-01-08T09:59:00.000-08:00

I ALSO, AM A HUMAN BEING

Norbert, a prisoner/patient, was a small, skinny, middle aged man who was seriously ill of lung cancer. He already had one lung surgically removed. Norbert showed me a hole under a bandaged patch on one armpit beside his chest. Lifting out this patch, he said, “You see this hole? This is why the prison system is letting me go. They know I will die soon.” Norbert was talking about a Medical Parole granted by the Corrections Department in a few cases like his. This hole was probably left to facilitate draining the fluid collecting in his lungs. He was still feisty and constantly complaining about the cancer treatment he was getting at the prison hospital.

Norbert was also a Vietnam veteran. In my early years of prison hospice work, I was surprised to meet so many prisoner/patients who were Vietnam War veterans. This man was bothered by an incident in one of his combat missions where he shot and killed a Vietnamese boy. I asked Norbert, “What would have happened if you did not kill him?” He answered, “The boy was holding a rifle. I don’t know. I have nightmares seeing him in my dreams.” Norbert obviously was still suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) due to his combat experience.

Being a Hospice spiritual volunteer, I sometimes quote, for Norbert in this case, a few Bible readings and some of the Psalms. Norbert’s usual responses to all these readings were, “Yeah, Yeah ...”. Clearly he was not really interested in spiritual quotes or formal prayers. However, Norbert told me more than once, “Yes, I believe in God”.

Norbert’s behavior of anger and frustration directed at the Prison System concerning his health care treatments continued, to the point of threatening to sue the Corrections Department, for a few more weeks. However it was clear Norbert was losing the battle of staying alive. As the weeks went by, Norbert was now getting weaker and becoming less combative. Many of these prisoner/patients who get admitted to this hospital, know the hospital is their last stop. Being admitted to this hospital is in their words “the final death sentence” for them.

The last time I saw Norbert was the day before he was to be medically paroled. In that last conversation he was very emotional talking about his parents and other people he was close to in his life. At one point he said to me, “I wish to be buried beside my parents in a cemetery in Pennsylvania”. This was the first time I’ve seen Norbert cry. After I said goodbye to him, he came up to me and gave me a strong long hug. As I was leaving the prison hospital, I thought to myself, “This was all Norbert ever wanted from me!” But again, it was possible it was not me Norbert wanted to hold unto. He may have wanted to hold unto his love ones or Jesus Christ himself.

The next day on Herbert’s release, his relatives met him at the prison to take custody of him. Less then twenty four hours after his release, Norbert died. I hope his wish of being buried beside his parents in Pennsylvania came true.

Since Norbert was a Vietnam veteran, I am closing his story recalling on TV how the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” was sung by some US soldiers in Vietnam, revised with their own rendition.

“Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord …….
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! What a hell of a way to die! …….”

2006-12-17T12:30:00.000-08:00

OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN

Ever wonder how you find yourself many times saying the “Our Father” prayer without putting so much thought as to what you were saying? Sort of like a stuck record repeating itself over and over again. I know I have. Being raised a catholic and routinely saying the rosary, I found myself in this situation many times. And this is a prayer originated by none other than Jesus Christ himself.

There is a book written about the US cruiser, “SS Indianapolis” that got sunk in the Philippine waters during the later part of World War II. Somewhere in the Pacific, this ship was ordered to leave for Leyte island and unescorted. This ship did not follow a zigzagging course as is standard procedure for this type of mission. About 900 sailors, half of the crew, survived the sinking ship. Unfortunately, the Navy chain of command bungled the SOS message sent by the sinking cruiser. And so no rescue was started for four days. Meanwhile, approximately half of the survivors, even those with life jackets, died either through wounds they initially suffered from explosions and the burning of the cruiser or because of the sea infested sharks which were on a feeding frenzy at certain hours of the day, or some lost any hope of rescue and just gave up and drowned. There was a ship’s doctor who tried to reach each dead sailor, collect their dog tags, and say the “Our Father” prayer beside the floating body. Think of the impact this prayer had on this doctor for the rest of his life! Not until a squadron of US planes on a mission accidentally spotted the survivors was a rescue finally sent. There followed a Navy court martial after the war was over. The captain of the SS Indianapolis was placed on trial. Even the Japanese submarine captain was asked to testify. However, the Japanese captain testified that regardless of whether or not the ship followed a zigzagging course, his submarine would have surely sunk the unescorted ship. Ironically, this Japanese captain later joined a Buddhist monastery. The captain of the US cruiser was exonerated. But the damage had already been done. Years later, this captain took his own life.

Jay was a 77 year old prisoner/patient with lung cancer. The seriousness of his illness was starting to show. He was a World War II veteran and still feisty; ready to fight anyone when provoked. He was in prison for sexually molesting a female minor.

Jay gave this account of himself. “I was a merchant marine and our ship was torpedoed by German U-boats. During the war, this experience happened to me twice on the two different merchant ships I was in. Twice I survived. I felt God was with me both times.” Jay continued, ”I have children, but I don’t want to disturb their lives by demanding they visit me here at the hospital. Also, once I struck a policeman. This policeman demanded I step out with both him and his partner without telling me what the charge was all about. If provoked for no reason, I will strike back. However, there is no reason for me to be angry at you.”

Regarding his spiritual convictions, this is what Jay said. “I certainly believe in God.” At this time Jay pulled out a small old book written by some lay person with spiritual viewpoints. “This book I have carried with me ever since I was a young man. Especially during World War II when our ship was sailing from the US to England. Twelve years ago I busted a hole in my heart. I was operated for heart surgery and almost died. When I was critically ill, I met Jesus Christ as He held out His hand to me.” (Jay probably had a Near Death Experience. Some critically ill people have NDE’s and later narrate their spiritual experiences.) Jay continued, “Now I am not afraid of dying nor do I pray to get well. I have had a full life. Let God help someone more in need, like the young and critically ill.”

The next week, Jay had the beginning symptoms of actively dying. He was in severe pain, bed ridden, and losing his voice. “You’re a good man to visit me. Say a prayer for me”, Jay said. I was surprised by this request as Jay previously never mentioned any formal prayers or the Bible to me. And so I responded as the Navy doctor. “Our Father who art in heaven ....” Jay closed his eyes in meditation.

The following week, Jay was on an oxygen mask, his breathing was erratic and heavy, and he would come in and out of consciousness. The conversation was now only one way. My final prayer to him was, “Jesus, remember Jay when he comes into Your kingdom”. Jay seemed to go out of consciousness. So then I left the room.

Reference - "In Harm's Way : The Sinking of the USS Indianapolis and the Extraordinary Story of its Survivors" by Doug Stanton

2006-12-08T10:08:00.000-08:00

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE

Jonathan, a man in his early fifties, had renal cancer that had metastasized. Jonathan was well aware that he had a short time to live. The medical staff at the prison hospital told him he had a prognosis of about eight weeks to live. During my regular weekly visits with him, his voice seemed gradually to become less and less audible.

Jonathan had a long history of serving time in jail. He was a confused person. At one time in his life, he had a serious bout with depression. He claimed to have had no definite goals for his life. He struggled with being an agnostic and also having a guilt complex which he said was due to his “catholic” upbringing. This is most probably why he requested a spiritual Hospice volunteer.

”I am confused in my mind. I don’t know if the medicine I am taking is doing that to me. Yes, I would like to get in touch with my mother who is living in Utah. I have mixed emotions towards her. I am an agnostic. I am not sure I believe in a God. I was brought up in the Catholic faith. Consequently I am now dreading being condemned to hell. At least that is what my religion tells me. I am very confused.”

Jonathan then started to talk about his mother. “Although I forgive my mother, thinking she did not realize what she was doing, I cannot forget how abusive she was. She used to beat and punish us severely. The reason I am so much against religion is because of my mother and her “Catholic” beliefs. She would have us go to church very often during the week. But, at the same time, she used to beat us. And up to now even a few of my relatives do not want to have anything to do with me.”

I replied, “Jonathan, the fact that you want your mother to visit you, all the way from Utah, seems to me you wish to forgive her. Though you tell me you cannot forget what she has done, that’s Ok. You’re human. To answer your question whether you should bring this issue up when she comes to visit you, well, you know what is in your best interest and her best interest, Jonathan.”

Finally Jonathan came up with the question, “What happens when you die?” And so I replied, “I don’t know. I never had the experience of dying.” And so we continued with the subject of what happens after death. Jonathan then responded, “You tell me God is not waiting for me to die so He can punish me? How do you know this? Are you not being hypocritical? Comparing the catholic teachings I had with others such as the Methodists, they all have different responses. I’m confused.” Again I replied, “I don’t blame you for being confused. I don’t have concrete proofs either. I can’t prove to you how God will react. My assumptions are based on my faith in God and what I believe. I believe in a God who is not vengeful. I believe in a God that does not condemn. I believe man condemns himself. Why don’t you look within yourself for an answer to this dilemma you’re having? Ask yourself whether you want to stay in darkness, fear, anger, depression, and so on. Or ask yourself whether you want to come into the light with faith, love, forgiveness, and peace.” Finally we ended the conversation with Jonathan saying, “I am giving these things we talked about my serious thoughts. You’ve helped me a lot.”

The next week I saw Jonathan, he was sitting in his wheelchair, noticeably losing his strength, and under pain medication. Jonathan started the conversation saying, ”I don’t want to be a hypocrite by telling you, yes, I believe in all this stuff about God, heaven and hell, and so on.” So I replied, “Jonathan, I have no intention to convert you to my beliefs or any other religious beliefs. My purpose in visiting you is to help you be at peace with yourself.” Feeling lost, Jonathan said, “It still bothers me not knowing what happens after death.”
”I don’t know either. I never died and came back to earth to tell people what I experienced. The best I can do is to put my trust in God, whatever will happen. For me this is enlightenment.” Like a stuck record, Jonathan continued. “The reason I am so much against religion is because of my mother and her “Catholic” belief….” So I continued, “Instead of analyzing her religious beliefs and other religions, what is in your heart? You said you want to live by the Golden Rule. The reason you are inquiring and wish to talk about spirituality is because you are having a crisis in your life. Only you can decide what to believe in. Jonathan, do you know why I’m here?” He answered, “Yeah, because you want to argue with me!” At this time my thoughts were this about Jonathan: This guy is dying very soon. Still he seems to retain his sense of humor! “I’m here to help you make peace with yourself. Do you know what I mean? Peace rather than turmoil, forgiveness rather than anger, light rather than darkness.”
“My mother is coming from Utah to visit me next week. I have a sister here in Michigan. But she tells everyone she does not want to have anything to do with me. I also have a brother whom I have not spoken to for seventeen years. Why do I want to phone him now? Because he is my brother, that’s why!” So I answered him, “I know. You want to set your house in order.”

Jonathan’s medical condition was unchanged. He was asking for more pain medication. And he was still sitting in his wheelchair but noticeably he was losing his strength. However he was beginning to resolve the two burning issues he was wrestling with. “My mother came to visit me here last week. It was a very pleasant and happy reunion. We had no conflicts at all.” I said, “The fact that this visit turned out this way tells me you have forgiven her.” “Yes, I am beginning to realize now the order of nature, such as how days are followed by nights. Someone had to create all these beginnings. What I don’t understand is who created God?” I replied, “In the Bible it is written, God said, ‘I am’, no beginning, no end.”

The next week Jonathan greeted me with this remark: “Where were you last week? You usually come in earlier than this. I am trying to get in touch with my brother, but I can’t get through. Either no one is at home or the kids hang up on me. I follow the Golden Rule, but I am still concerned with what happens when you die.” “Jonathan, have you heard about the five stages of dying by Dr. Kubler-Ross? Let me state these five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Where are you at in these stages?” “I don’t know. Maybe I did bargain with God. I have some friends here at the prison. I am particularly concerned about one inmate I know because he seems to be following a path of destruction.”

The past week Jonathan developed some serious medical problems. He had trouble breathing. His pain medication was not adjusted well enough as he wanted the medication not to affect his alertness. He wished his conscious mind to function as close to normal as possible. Moreover, Jonathan was not in a position to converse with me long that week. “My mother was supposed to visit me again but she had problems coming here. I still want to contact my brother whom I have not spoken to for seventeen years.” So I suggested, “Can your mother help you out regarding your brother?” “The problem is, my brother is not on speaking terms with my mother.” At this time Karen, the ward nurse came in to give Jonathan his medication. When she left, Jonathan remarked to me, “You know, Karen is the Mother Theresa of this ward!” I’ve personally known Karen for three years and I fully agree with Jonathan’s comment. Although she is the exception to the usual care given at the prison hospital, Karen is an attractive nurse. Apparently she is not afraid to administer to these prisoner/ patients.

During the last weeks of Jonathan’s life, he was speaking very softly in whispers. “What were those five steps again a person goes through when he is dying?” “You mean denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Where are you at now, Jonathan?” “I don’t think I was at that stage of denial and anger. But now I wake up at night in panic or fear. Does a person go through these stages sequentially?” “No, you can be in acceptance and then go back to anger. I believe fear and panic is some form of depression.” “You know, you have helped me a lot discussing my spiritual concerns. When I am awake, I am not anymore afraid to die.” Finally I said, “Again, Jonathan, this is an issue between you and God. I am just a mediator. You cannot have some other person or minister resolve this issue of dying for you. You have to do it yourself and you can! Jonathan, have faith that you can.”

The last week I visited Jonathan, he could not talk and he answered me by writing his thoughts and responses on a piece of paper. “Jonathan, we talked about these five stages of dying. Where are you now? Are you sometimes in panic?” “Yes, I am in a panicky mood sometimes. How do you know there is life after death?” “I know because I have trust in God. I believe Jesus Christ when he said, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me, even if he dies, shall live.’ You can call this faith. You also have faith the sun will rise tomorrow.” Jonathan continued, “Can God condemn you to hell? I believe God is and always was. Regarding me and my life, I am not sure I will spiritually live.” I said, “It is my belief God does not condemn. We condemn ourselves, like a person choosing to die angry and unremorseful. God gave man a free will. It is our choice who and what we want to be. Jonathan, you may recover, but if you die, you will die alone. I cannot be with you every step of the way. Be confident, Jonathan, I know you can do it.” Jonathan’s last comments were “Sometimes I feel His warm hand and have confidence, but I seem to lose it.” “That’s okay, Jonathan. But try to keep the goal: you will be confident, especially at the hour of death.”

Jonathan died a day or two later.

PS. What happens when you die? For an in depth discussion on this subject, I recommend referencing Deepak Chopra’s book on “Life After Death”.

2006-11-13T09:18:00.000-08:00

My MOTHER

Jerry had metastasis tongue cancer. The resulting surgery caused him to speak with a slur. The doctors gave him a six month life prognosis. Jerry was a product of a dysfunctional family. His mother was abusive and domineering. At one time she ordered his father to dance in front of her while she was firing gunshots around him. His older sister sexually abused him. He was in prison for intentional assault. He was also very angry at the prison system.
“How have you been, Jerry? Are you in pain?” He replied,”My throat hurts. This prevents me from eating well. I was quoted wrongly by the doctor who said I initially refused treatment. Last week they finally extracted all my teeth. If I had treatment earlier, I would have been cured of this cancer.” “ Jerry, when dealing with cancer, not everyone can be assured they will be cured. What has happened in the past cannot be undone.,” I replied. Suddenly Jerry showed his anger. “Who are you to tell me what I believe? These things have not happened to you. How can you judge me? You say you are from Hospice? Who are you to tell me I’ll die in six months. (Jerry was associating me with the prison staff.) I know you know much more about me then you care to show.” I then apologized to Jerry, also telling him I am a volunteer independent of the prison system and my purpose was to help him in his social and spiritual needs. Jerry was still angry. “if you want to help me, go talk to the Parole board. After all they have done to me while incarcerated; they might as well have shot me beforehand instead of me going through all this.”
In the course of our conversation, the underlying reason for Jerry’s anger finally surfaced. “My mother is a very domineering person. I was always giving her the money I earned. I have been under her control all my life. Now this cancer …….. I swear that before I die, I am going to tell my mother what she has done to me.” “ I understand what you have been through and if it did happen to me I probably might act with a vengeance. However, do you think this is the right thing to do in order to release you from her bondage?”, I replied.
Jerry had a visit from his father. Then his mother and sister also came to visit him. In my second visit, I asked Jerry how he felt about his relatives, especially his mother. “Yes, I did tell my mother off. “ Jerry was still angry even at the hospital staff. “The nurses here threatened to discontinue treating me. They are trying to poison me here.” The nurses at the station gave me a different story.
In my visits with Jerry we talked about reconciliation and some evidence of affection shown by the mothers’ willingness to visit him. The mother and sister followed with subsequent visits. Jerry seemed to feel better after their continual visits. However, his sister stopped coming for these visits. The reason being, she was put back in jail in her home state for parole violation. In one of my visits I asked Jerry, “How is everything with you Jerry?” “I feel fine. The chemo treatment brought me back to being normal again. And how is everything with you.” “Fine. as best as can be expected. Are you still angry at your mother?’ “No, I am not angry at her anymore. In fact, I now feel sorry for her.”
Eventually Jerry received a medical parole and was to be released from prison very soon. In my last visit with him he said this to me. “I do not intend to revert back to my old self. No, she is not going to get me all upset as before. I intend to take care of myself, continue cancer treatments, be at peace, etc. I now want to take care of my mother.”
A month after his release, Jerry died.

2006-10-10T08:09:00.000-07:00

LESSON FROM MOTHER THERESA

Mother Theresa and her Sisters of Charity worked with the abandoned people in Calcutta, India. They would go about the city and bring the sick and dying from the streets of Calcutta and take care of them in a Hospital run by the sisters. Someone asked Mother Theresa, “How can you pick up these wretched dying people, probably diseased and foul smelling, and into your care?” Her answer was, “Because I see the face of Jesus Christ in them”.

Helen was a middle aged woman at Southern Michigan Prison Hospital. Helen had end-stage liver disease. Many alcoholics eventually get this liver disease. Her stomach was bloated. She was constantly in severe pain. She was in jail for a botched bank robbery where some woman ended up being murdered. She and her son were part of the robbery scheme.

“I don’t have much time left. I now very often pray. I’m a Baptist. A long time ago I wanted to convert to Catholicism. But my mother and others strongly objected to my possible conversion. Right now the frequent pains I am having are my main concern. I wish God would have me die. I want to die at times except that I am concerned what happens after death.” “Acceptance of your pain is all you can do now, Helen. God realizes this. But He is not the cause of your sickness.” “I know that”, she said. “I have made so many bad decisions in my life.” I answered, “That’s past now, Helen. It is very important for you not to lose faith in Him.” Helen responded, “Please pray for me.”

“Helen, are you at peace with yourself? Do you carry any anger at anyone?” “I still cannot forgive my son”, Helen said. “My son turned state’s evidence against me.” Helen claims her son was lying to the courts to save himself. The son got a lesser sentence. “I don’t know if I want to see my son, if he came to see me. Yes, I now forgive him but I cannot forget” “Not forgetting has no bearing on your forgiveness, unless your thoughts are still hateful to what he has done to you, Helen. If he were here right now and he wanted to see you here now at this hospital, would you see him, Helen?” “I will have to think about it” Meaning, she has not totally forgiven him. “I am afraid of him. I don’t think he wants to see me anyway. I am in considerable pain. I know I am dying.”

Many times thereafter on my subsequent visits we talked about the act of forgiveness. “I forgive him and wish no malice towards him. The last I heard about him is that he tried to commit suicide in the prison he is in.” Helen told me she had another son who, as a boy was struck by lightning and died. She seemed to imply he was the good son. “This may be rush judgment on my part, but you describe your two sons as sort of like Abel and Cain in the Bible.”

“I pray very often now. I have no malice to anyone. You taught me this prayer, ”Lord remember me when I come into Your kingdom. I have said that so many times, God must have been tired hearing me say this. I am really tired of living. I wish He would take me. Examining my life and others I associated with, I really would like to go. I am prepared. I am not depressed. In my life I have known four people who committed suicide. But I do not want to go that way, although I am prepared to go. I would like to be with God in heaven.”

According to Dr. Kubler-Ross, on the five stages of dying, I believe Helen was on this final stage, Acceptance. No denial, no anger, no bargaining or depression, and finally acceptance.

Many of these prisoners are still suspicious of why I come to see them. A few openly ask me if I then report to the prison officials and tell them what I found out about these prisoners I talk to. I sensed these feelings on Helen in one of my visits. On this visit she looked at me kind of suspiciously and asked, “Why do you come to visit me?”. And so I remembered the words of Mother Theresa and I said to her, “I am here because I see Jesus Christ in you.” Helen did not answer me. She cried.

Going back to at the parking lot where my car was, I was chuckling and surprised at myself. How did I ever think of Mother Theresa and those words to say to Helen.

Miraculously, Helen had considerable improvement in her medical condition. “I am better now than when I entered the hospital. At that time the doctors gave me only a few weeks to live. Now, I may return to the Cell Block. I have sisters (fellow prisoners) in this Cell Block I would like to help. They seem desperate and lost.” “God still has plans on your life”. I said, “Don’t rush it. Let God decide when, on your dying.” “ My Parole Board has turned down my Medical Release petition. This does not upset me. I have already come to this stage of acceptance. If I leave this hospital and go back to the Cell Block, I would like to be an encouragement to my sisters in this Block. I need God to guide me.” “That’s true, Helen. Try to believe what makes sense to you. You don’t need to be in a formalized religion or inside a church for God to let you know what to do. Look within yourself, Helen. Remember these words from the Bible, ‘The temple of God is within you’.”

2006-10-04T20:04:00.000-07:00

I ONCE WAS LOST, BUT NOW AM FOUND - UPDATE

I was at the Prison Hospital today, next to the Specialty Clinic. At the waiting room, there was a group of prisoners hoping to see a doctor for what currently ails them or for a regular check up on their progress back to health. “Hey, Tony!” someone shouted. “Remember me?” It was Mr. B and he was smiling.

“You look good Mr. B.”. He replied, “They took me off the feeding tube a long time ago. Now I eat regular normal meals.” “You look normal and are also walking straight. Even your speech is not slurred as before. What happened?”

“I am recovered, Tony. I don’t believe I have cancer anymore.” “Looks like it. Three or four years ago, after your throat cancer operation, the doctors gave you only three to four months to live. I remember, especially when you refused any more chemo treatments immediately after your operation.”

“I am still very involved in my spirituality and say my prayers all the time.” Finally as we parted, he took both my hands and said, “It is good to see you, Tony.”

Mr. B made my day.

2006-09-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

CRY

Bill was recently operated for bladder cancer. His bladder was removed, and he carried a plastic bag to drain his urine. Unfortunately his cancer started to spread in his bone structure, particularly in his right leg.

Bill was in jail for murder. This happened when he was in the company of a call girl in a bar and the girl’s boyfriend or pimp showed up and started to pick a fight with Bill. The man ended up being killed. Bill was a Vietnam veteran. This was an unfortunate decision for someone to pick a fight with Bill who had Vietnam combat experience. Bill lived in a prosperous area in the Detroit suburbs. He had an ex-wife and three beautiful teenaged daughters. They all, including the ex-wife, visited him regularly.

“How are you coping, Bill?” “Oh, I am taking it one day at a time. I would not have minded carrying this bag all my life except that now my cancer has spread to my right leg. Before this, the doctors told me I could live a long life. My wife and three children again visited me. I’m always glad to see them.” At this time Bill proceeded to talk about his children, the two older ones now studying at a university in lower Michigan. And that he was a tool maker before going to prison. “I see in your chart that your religion is Protestant. Do you wish to see a Minister?” “No, I do not need a visit from a Minister, although I pray all the time.” “What do you do when you are in pain?”,I asked. “Cry!”, he replied. And with this response Bill gives me a faint smile. “I would cry too”, I responded.

At this time the nurse came in the room and announced Bill had visitors coming to see him. I told Bill I would see him next week and then left his room. No sooner when I left while in the hallway, the same nurse saw me again and told me Bill’s visitors would not be here until an hour later. And that Bill wanted me to come back to his room. And so this I did.

Next week when I saw Bill I asked, “How did your visit go?” “My wife came to visit me the same day after you left.” At this time Bill showed me cards written with affection from both his ex-wife and his 80 year old father who came to visit him before. Despite serious heart problems his father came all the way from Pennsylvania to visit Bill. “I am OK except for my right leg which sometimes gives me extreme pain. And then I start to cry like a baby.” I replied, “The next time this happens try not to think that you are only your body. If you think you are just your body, this pain will magnify.” “I understand what you are telling me that I am also part spirit. When this happens I pray, My Jesus please help me.” “You are doing as well as can be expected. Using the words you said to me last week, one day at a time.”

The next week I visited Bill, he was having more aggravating medical problems. His chemo treatment was giving him diarrhea; his urine was not collecting properly in his bag, etc. He looked weaker than two weeks ago.

“How is it going, Bill?” “I know I am going to die.” “Are you depressed about it?” “No, I am not. That is the least of my problems. What is it like after dying?” “I don’t know myself. Although I believe you are not going to continue being sick like this. How can you. You will not have a body anymore. Be confident in your faith. Think positive thoughts. You have a family who cares. Even your father who has heart problems visited you.” “Yea! I had visitors who drove all the way from Pennsylvania. But I am worried how my three daughters will do. Right now they are doing well.” “Do you have pictures of them? Why don’t you place them on your table here to remind you of your family.” “I do have pictures of them, but they were left in my cell block. Prison rule is that you cannot bring anything here in the hospital.” (Unless items are approved by prison officials, prisoners cannot have their personal belongings transferred to their hospital rooms.) “Let me check with the Medical Social Worker in the department if there is something we can do about this.” Bill then asked, “Where were you last week? I missed your coming here.” I answered, “There was a prison mobilization (emergency) drill. Unfortunately, all non-employees have to leave the building.”

The next week Bill seemed to have turned for the worse. He was getting weaker, in bed most of the time, and going in and out of hallucinations. He told me of his “vomiting all over” yesterday.

“How are you feeling, Bill?” “Not too good”, and proceeded to describe his pains. At this time Bill gets out of his bed, scrambles to his dresser in pain, and hands me a recent three page letter written by his 15 year old daughter. As I read the three page letter, the daughter wrote full of affection for her father and naturally worried about his sickness. It was a very touching letter. “You look like you need some rest.” It was a strain for Bill to keep a conversation. “I will say a prayer for you and will see you next week.” In parting he used both hands to hold mine and thank me for coming.

The next week Bill was obviously losing his battle against cancer. He was receiving massive doses of chemo resulting in much hair loss. I was informed that among his three daughters and ex-wife, there was always someone visiting him almost daily.

“Bill, this is Tony here.” “Who? Oh yes, yes. Tony it’s good to see you.” Again he greeted me with both hands. “Bill keep up your spirits. I will say a prayer for you.” At this time the MSW came in the room and said to Bill, “Tony cannot stay long. There is a mobilization drill (another one) and he has to leave the building.” The alarm system was still going on in the hallways. “Tony, I will see you next week OK?”, said Bill. “Yes, I intend to visit you.”

The following week, Bill looked like he was in the beginning stages of dying. Bill looked very frail, losing most of his hair, and his memory was starting to fail him. He kept asking me on dates, illness status, and could not even remember my visit last week. “Did you visit me last week? Am I at Foote hospital (city hospital)? I get extreme pains whenever I move around. Do you have any change? I would like a can of soda.” The head nurse informed me she suspects cancer has spread through Bill’s brain.

The last week, I was in Bill’s ward and asked at the Nursing Station how Bill was. The nurse replied, “He died just a few minutes ago. His family is still in the room. They are waiting for the doctor to come and certify his death.” We passed his room but obviously did not want to intrude with the family still there. Finally another nurse who was in the room while Bill was in agony told me, “Bill had a very painful death. Bill was screaming and not conscious of people around him. The wife fainted? And a daughter had to leave the room due to the stress. However, the youngest daughter (the one who wrote that affectionate letter Bill previously showed me) stayed until he died. She put Bill’s hand in her head and stayed there for a while. I saw you passing in the corridor and wished you came in. I spent an hour counseling the family after he died. Tony, you deserted me.” So I replied,” Why didn’t you drag me from the corridor and take me inside the room?”

Bill was a very likable patient. Even the correctional prison guards expressed some sadness knowing how he died.

Reference - How We Die : Reflections on Life's Final Chapter by Sherwin B. Nuland

2006-09-29T09:47:00.000-07:00

I ONCE WAS LOST, BUT NOW AM FOUND

Mr. B was a 69 year old black man who was just been operated for throat cancer. He was immediately then receiving radiation treatment. His speech was slurred and at the time he was feeling very miserable. He could not eat solid foods and was being fed thru a tube connected to an incision made in his stomach area. “It is so difficult for me to endure these after effects. I do not know what will happen to me in the future.” He was serving time for murder. He had a daughter who was a drug addict and divorced. His only son had died. Fortunately he had two nieces who corresponded. One of them occasionally even drove all the way from down south USA to visit him.

After my first weekly visit, Mr. B informed the prison Medical Social Worker he did not want to see me thereafter. He said to the MSW that we did not seem to communicate and I did not understand what he was talking about. The next week Mr. B changed his mind and this time informed the MSW he wanted to see me again. And so I did see him. “I am very sorry about how I responded to your visiting me last week. I have requested that my radiation treatments be discontinued. I was in misery. I prefer death if this will be the outcome. But I have done so many wrong things before and now I am very sorry for what I have done. I can’t help thinking about these past bad events. This illness is causing me so much pain. But I know God cares about me.”

Two weeks later I visited Mr. B to see how he was doing. “I am feeling quite well. No pain or discomforts as I was having during my radiation treatments. So far so good except for a pain in my left jaw. The cancer may be spreading there. Two inmates from this floor died last week. No, I am not scared of dying. I now pray very often every day. I would be glad when this is over with.” Mr. B was still being fed through a tube inserted in his stomach area and his speech was still slurred. After the operation he had a problem of not being able to swallow solid foods.

I continued my visits with Mr. B and noticed the gradual spiritual transformation he seemed to be undergoing. “What ever happens because of my illness, I am prepared to live with it; even staying in prison for the rest of my life. I do not want to be a financial or social burden to my nieces.” At that time he was being considered for medical parole.

I continued with my routine visits with Mr. B at the prison hospital. These are some of the statements he made. “I know I am not alone. I pray to God very often every day. I try to remember God is with me in my pains. I am anticipating the pains will increase sometime in the future. I am spiritually prepared to deal with it.” However, instead of regressing, his medical status seemed to be improving. Mr. B was now looking at another six months of living without any complications. But he was still fed through a tube inserted in the stomach area and receiving pain medications. His moments of depression occurred when he would recollect his crime. “I regret my having a drinking problem. I was drinking and had a burst of anger. I blame myself for the crime of murder that I committed. I am so sorry I ever did that. I still keep thinking, if only I hadn’t been drinking. And very often on my mind, I ask myself how could I have taken someone’s life away. I have been a failure to my relatives and friends.”

Nine months have passed and Mr. B seems to be hanging on. His spiritual awakening shows on every visit with him. “I keep the faith, Tony. I now know the contrast between love and hate. I am grateful God has decided to have me live longer. I am so grateful my life has changed for the better. As you can see, I don’t think I have cancer anymore. No pain and I am stronger. The Lord seems to have made me much better. I am so glad I have found my peace with the Lord. I don’t know what would have happened to me if I did not change. I now would like to help other inmates I know. I never realized how calm I am to be at peace with the Lord. Tony, I am sure glad I found Jesus during my stay here at the hospital. Remember how unpleasant and complaining I was right after my throat operation? Now I have a new life. I do not understand how I did not see this spiritual life all those years before then.”

Two years later, Mr. B is still hanging around. His speech has somewhat improved but he continues being fed through a tube in his stomach. His operation for throat cancer has left him unable to swallow solid foods, most probably for the rest of his life. I once asked Mr. B, “In our many get-togethers, you never told me you asked God to cure you. How come?” “No, I did not. I experienced my peace by being connected to God. It made such a big difference in my attitude towards life.”

The parole board has denied his medical parole and he remains in jail. Mr. B’s spiritual status is unchanged. “I am not depressed but unhappy about their response. I am discouraged but accepting God’s will. Most probably I will die here in prison.” And so I asked him, “What would you do if you were paroled.” He answered, “All I wanted is to experience some peace outside the prison walls; and do some fishing.” In his hospital room I noticed the prayer sheet I gave him a long time ago, which he now had it taped in his wall. In big letters were the words of Christ.

“I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, even if he dies shall live; and whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die.”

2006-09-22T11:55:00.000-07:00

I DON’T WANT A GOD THAT CONDEMNS ME

Dan, a prisoner/patient at the State Prison hospital had liver cancer that has metastasized. He was in prison for numerous drunken driving offenses, although he has not killed anyone from his drunken driving.

The first time I met Dan and entered his room, Dan started crying. He immediately said “I have cancer and I am dying. I don’t want to die alone in prison. I also have seizures and you can see the swell on my face as I fell once on it.” So I asked, “Dan, do you have any spiritual or religious beliefs?” He answered, “No I don’t. I probably don’t believe in a God. I do not want to associate myself with any religion, because I do not want to believe in a God that will punish me for what I have done. I am having all these anxiety attacks. I keep having these dreams seeing myself in a coffin.” So I responded, “Do you know what you are doing to yourself? You have already condemned yourself experiencing all these anxieties and fears. God has not condemned you. Religion is not supposed to torture you. Religion or spiritualism is supposed to give you peace.” He responded, “My mother is catholic. But she is not a regular practicing catholic.”

We then gave him some spiritual books which he continuously started to read. Also, the Parole Board was considering releasing him from prison due to his medical condition. Although Dan had no changes in his medical condition, he has shown significant improvement in his mental status. “This disease is a blessing in disguise. It has given me an awakening to what is really important in life. Last week I saw my mother and I tried to console her. She was very depressed. When I get out of here, I would like to establish a Half Way House where recently released inmates can adjust to society. I have $2000 to start this project with. Although I physically still have pains, I feel better. Like I am releasing the anger and frustration I used to have.”

Dan’s mental status continued to improve. Also the Board was in the process of granting him Medical Parole Release. “My mother is very emotional. I am not sure she wants me to live in her house if I am released from prison. I have this cancer and I don’t believe she wants to get stuck with medical bills. I want to see my 15 year old son and I got word he now wants to see me. But my grandmother who knows where my ex-wife and son live does not want to tell my mother and sisters where they live. My grandmother does not want anything to do with me. It bothers me not to see my son.”

We followed thru with a letter of support for Dan’s medical release including the Hospice Office consenting to his medical care. The oncologist treating Dan’s cancer gave a maximal six month life expectancy prognosis. Also, Dan’s sister finally was able to bring his teen aged son to visit him at the prison hospital. “I was so glad to have a heart to heart talk with my son. I told him how sorry I was to have hurt him and other members in the family due my drinking. My son expressed maturity by telling me, ‘we all should start new from here on’.” This emotional narration brought tears in David’s eyes.

Dan’s medical condition was deteriorating. In contrast his mental and spiritual condition continued to improve. “I used to think at the beginning, and this was an obsession, they have to let me out of prison. Lately, I have been thinking I deserve this prison sentence. Why should they let me off for what I have done? There is no 100% guarantee I would not drink again. In retrospect, this cancer I got was the best thing that ever happened to me. God gave me a wake up call. I would like to continue with God’s plan for me.” Dan again talked about starting a Half Way House for recently released convicts.

In the weeks that followed Dan occasionally regressed to being depressed on his deteriorating health, his parole status, his concerns about how he would get hospitalized treatments if he was released, and so on. Again he would start crying. We worked on the positive events that have happened to him these past few weeks.

Finally, Dan was scheduled to be released from prison. On my last visit I said, “Dan you have reached many of your goals.” He responded, “Yes I know. Now I hope I can do some work couseling others. I am very thankful for your hospice work. It has guided me to see life from the prospective of goodness.”

Dan was released from prison. A month later, Dan died.

2006-09-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

DYING ALONE

During one of my visits to the prison hospital, I was warned about Jake, a black prisoner/inmate. I was given a summary of his past activities. He was serving time for murder. “He likes to talk and is a good conversationalist. He is not one to be trusted.”

Jake was dying of metastasis lung cancer. He was in constant pain which was treated with morphine medication. As is common with these patients, he had long ago lost contact with any of his relatives or friends outside the prison walls. Jake said, ”I would like to see my son, Kevin. He is the youngest and it would be nice to see him. There are no bad relations to make up for, but him being the youngest, I would like to make sure he gets the right picture of me.” Later, I mentioned this to the medical social worker who then promised to get in touch with Jake’s relatives.

Jake talked about his upbringing. “I was raised in the South. While I was growing up, I was put to work right away. ‘Boy, do this or boy do that’. So I missed being a normal child. I have no regrets about my parents. They did the best under these circumstances.” During my visit, Jake wanted to be heard rather than spoken to.

The following week, I went in his room again to visit him. “How are you feeling, Jake?” “I am having a bad day today with pain. I am angry at my family whom I wrote to recently. They have not come to visit me. If it were the other way around, there is no question I would be there for them.” Eventually we talk about dying. Jake said,” If someone takes me on a trip, I always want to know where I am going.” I replied, “No one knows for sure where they are going. But you told me you have trust in God and you pray to him. Be confident you’ll find peace wherever you will go.” “If I ask God for something, will He give it to me?” I replied,”As a father gives his son the best, He will. Unless what you ask for will not be in your best interest.”

Jake then went on to talk about how things are not fair in this country. He seemed to be going on and on talking about politics and how society was going downhill. What he was trying to tell me is that he was mistreated by society. After listening a while I decided to leave and told him I needed to see other patients. Thereafter, I noticed he was crying. Our conversation went silent. Finally Jake said "I don't want to die alone".

I stayed longer in my visit to him that day. After someone leaves a prisoner’s room, following prison rules, you need to shut his room door where now no one can go in or out of the room without either the hospital staff or prisoner guards unlocking the door. Most of these prisoner/patients die alone. Five days later, Jake died.

Reference - "We're All Doing Time" by Bo Lozoff

2006-09-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

OPENING STATEMENT

I have categorized my life into three inter connected stages. Early in my life I was very much devoted to getting an education, then followed making a living, and at this current stage, discovering my connectedness to humanity. My education encompassed many years of study and eventually getting a degree in Engineering including a doctorate in Mathematics. The next stage was primarily devoted to raising a family, working in a profession, accumulating financial success, and as main recreations, visiting our beautiful US National Parks. Finally after retirement, in this last stage, I have devoted myself to humanitarian concerns. These are the questions I have been pondering on. “Why are we here living in this earth? What is the purpose of this life? Is there an after life?”

I believe we are all spiritual beings having a human experience here on earth. And my communication with the Source of all creation in this life is through my interaction with humanity. This is why I chose Prison Hospice work. My involvement entails going to the State Prison Hospital, interacting with the sick and dying prisoner/patients, and accompanying them in their preparation for their usual transition of dying.

Although I practice some of my religious Christian beliefs, my purpose in visiting these prisoner/patients is not to convert them to any religion whatsoever. Instead, I try to minimize their fears, anger, resentment, and other negative feelings they have to make them as comfortable as possible in their final stage before dying. As Dr. Kubler-Ross summarized these dying stages, we go through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. In my visits we discuss their fear of dying if they express this emotion, and sometimes the belief in a God waiting to punish them some more, the anger at the system and society, guilt and resentfulness on their past life experiences, and the depression they may be currently experiencing.

Allow me to share some of my prison hospice visits with you. I want to emphasize that these have been very rewarding experiences for me personally.